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GURNEY MARRIED
A SEQUEL TO
GILBERT GURNEY.
BY THE
AUTHOR OF " SAYINGS AND DOINGS."
IN THREE VOLUMES.
VOL. I.
LONDON: HENRY COLBUEN, PUBLISHER,
GREAT MARLBOROUGH STREET.
1838.
OIMJERT & RIVINGTON, PRINTERS
st. John's square.
J
X
V
GURNEY MARRIED.
CHAPTER I.
The first part of the late Mr. Gurney's memoirs having been very favourably received by the public, I have been induced to continue my search amongst his manuscripts, in order to afford its readers some further information connected with the ann%ls of his family. -s.
It may be recollected that the concluding words of the first portion of his papers are, " We were married ;" which words refer to his union with Harriet, eldest daughter of the Reverend Richard Wells, Rector of Blissfold
vol. i. b
2 GURNEY MARRIED.
in the county of Hants. After this event Mr. Gilbert Gurney, as every man when he marries should do, turned over a new leaf — in his com- mon-place book ; and I find a hiatus, " valde de- jiendus" of nearly two months, in his memoranda. Love, I presume, left him no leisure for litera- ture ; at least there is nothing- discoverable in the way of detail, affecting either the celebration of his wedding, or the subsequent excursion which fashionable delicacy appears to have ren- dered indispensable upon such occasions ; and the first resumption of his notes occurs on the first day of the year succeeding that in which he became a Benedick: and thus he writes: —
I begin a new year in a new character — I am now a married man. " Marriage," says Johnson, " is the strictest tie of perpetual friendship, and there can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity; and he must expect to be wretched who pays to beauty, riches, and politeness, that regard which only virtue and piety can claim." Johnson was right.
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Cuthbert's munificence has enabled me to establish myself in perfect comfort. He has made one stipulation — he desires to make our house his home ; and when the young Fal- wassers, his wife's children, have their school vacations, they are also to pass their Christmas and Midsummer holidays here. This is all right and pleasant — a combination not very common in the affairs of this world. Cuthbert has an apartment of two rooms, consisting of a study and bed-chamber, allotted to him, both opening into Harriet's flower-garden on the south side of the house ; for his long residence in India has rendered him extremely sensitive, as far as our capricious climate is concerned.
Fanny Wells is staying with my wife, to whom she was always an affectionate sister ; and we are all as happy as we could wish, and per- haps even happier than we deserve to be. I feel myself snatched from the follies and frivoli- ties of an idle vagabond life, and placed by pro- vidence in a haven of security, where nothing but quietude and comfort are to be found.
13 2
GURNEY MARRIED.
There was certainly something remarkably odd in the way in which I was inveigled into matrimony. My father-in-law's conduct might, in many other cases, have been attributed to interested motives, and his eagerness to conclude a matrimonial treaty between his daughter and myself, might have been put to the account of his anxiety to get her off his hands, and settle her advantageously in the world; but that cannot be thought or imagined, the moment the smallness of mv income is taken into consideration. What startles me most, and most powerfully excites my gratitude to Providence is, that circumstances should have occurred not only to prevent distress and uneasiness, and perhaps worse calamities, in my wife's family, and not only to rescue us from the necessity of undertaking a voyage to India, but to place us in a state of such agreeable compe- tency as that in which we now find ourselves.
When Cuthbert first established himself at Ashmead — a somewhat pastoral " name" for my first " local habitation"— I was very much Bur- prised at his absolute helplessness. His servant
GURNEY MARRIED. 5
is qui-hi'd into his room every five minutes. Lighting a taper or sealing a letter appears to be an Herculean task to him, and the listlessness which pervades the conduct of his life, manifests itself so strongly when we are at breakfast or dinner, that I am sure if, amongst the innumer- able classes of domestics with which India abounds, there were such an officer as an Eata- bader to be had, Cuthbert would have him at any price.
When we first met at Gosport, he was so evidently labouring under the effects of bad health and depression of spirits, that I could quite understand this abasement of animal exer- tion ; and before I knew how nearly we were connected, I felt the deepest sympathy for his unhappy case. Now, that feeling is changed into wonder and astonishment, that a being who, by what he calls his own exertions, has contrived to realize a handsome fortune, should seem to possess no power of exerting himself upon any occasion whatever. His health is good, his
b3
b GURNEY MARRIED.
spirits are recovering rapidly, but his torpor con- tinues.
He is, I find, like our friend Nubley, afflicted with occasional fits of absence. I am afraid, if Harriet were to speak truth, she and her sister Fanny would not break their hearts if the fit were permanent. He crawls or is wheeled out of his own rooms every day about noon, and seats himself in the drawing-room, in order, as he says, to amuse the ladies and the visitors who chance to call ; and the ladies are forced to remain where they are, in order to amuse him. He talks to everybody with whom he meets, as if he had known them all his life ; and I cannot conceal the fact from myself, that he talks about nothing in the world, let him talk long as he may.
Wells rather enjoys his peculiarities, and Nubley listens to him with the deepest interest. In short, strange as it may seem, I believe Cuth- bert's anxiety that I should take this house was mainly attributable to his desire to be near his old friend and former partner. To Harriet, of
GURNEY MARRIED.
course, remaining in the neighbourhood of her father and mother is extremely agreeable ; but I see that poor dear Cuthbert, with all his kind- nesses, conferred as they are in the oddest man- ner, is a bit of a bore to the ladies of the circle. Harriet, disliking the formality of calling him brother-in law, — which, on account of the differ- ences in our ages, she does not approve, — and not venturing to address him as Cuthbert, has trans- formed him into a cousin, and " cousin" she always calls him. I heard Wells, after she had once used this endearing appellation, say to her, loud enough for me to hear it, " Harriet, don't you wish he was a cousin once removed ?"
This naturally worries me. I am one of those few people in the world who see the faults and imperfections of my nearest relations and con- nexions, perhaps even more plainly than others ; and I often wonder to myself, when I hear fa- thers extolling the eminent powers and abilities of their children, husbands puffing off the talents of their wives, wives speaking of the prodigious merits of their husbands, and whole families
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8 GUItNEY MARRIED.
swearing to the excellence of everything said or done by any individual member of them. Pro- bably if the late Mrs. Cuthbert were alive, we should hear her talking of the beautiful serenity of her husband's mind — such a quiet gentlemanly man — or quoting him, in comparison with some- body else, as a superior creature. Now, I can see, and can hear ; and it is not because of our near connexion that I can shut my eyes to his failings.
One day I had been over to the Rectory to see Wells ; and on my return, I found Cuthbert, as usual, extended at full length on a sofa by the drawing-room fire, Harriet and Fanny were working, and Mrs. Wells, who had come over to see them, was sitting, playing company, the family party having been increased by the arrival of Lieutenant Merman, whose name I have had occasion to mention before, and who, I really think, is caught by the bright eyes of my sister- in-law Fanny. Whether Wells is of the same opinion I cannot say, nor can I rightly calculate when the toddy-making season is likely to set in.
GURNEY MARRIED. 9
He is a very constant visitor at Ashmead, or, at least, has been, since Fanny has been with us.
Contrary to my usual habit, for I contrive to make myself occupation of various sorts during the morning, I joined the little circle.
" Well, Gilbert," said my brother, stretching his limbs to their fullest extent, as if to wake himself, " have you been out ? "
" Yes, to the parsonage," said I.
" Ah ! " replied Cuthbert, " very cold, isn't it ? Harriet, dear, just ring the bell — thanks— -we have been very comfortable."
" I thought," said I, " you proposed a walk yourself."
"Yes," said Cuthbert, "I did— I had my great coat put on and my shawl wrapper — and meant to call on Mrs. Nubley — but I met him — and I asked him if Mrs. Nubley was at home, and he said no; so I — I came back again — Ah!"
Here a servant entered the room, responsive to the bell.
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10 GURNEY MARRIED.
" Oh ! " said Cuthbert, " tell Hutton to bring me a pocket-handkerchief.'' The man retired. " So I came back again — because I knew it must be dull for the ladies to be left alone — and here, thanks to them, I am quite at my ease, and hav- ing nothing on earth to do, I cannot do better than show my gratitude to them. Fanny, dear, give me that eau de Cologne — Ah ! "
" I am sure, Mr. Gurney," said Mrs. Wells, " the girls ought to be greatly obliged to you."
" I think they are," said Cuthbert. " A man who has been abroad so long as I have has always something to communicate which is interesting. Oh — Hutton — get me my seal-ring. Harriet, love, I will beg you to seal that letter, which I got Nubley to write for me, about those air cushions. Capital invention that, Mrs. Wells."
" Very good, indeed," replied the lady.
" Ah ! " said Cuthbert, " but what was I say- ing when Gilbert came in ? Oh ! — I wish some- body would recollect for me — it was "
" About the horses running away with the
GURNEY MARRIED. I 1
post-chaise," said Lieutenant Merman, who had not heard the story fifty times before, which the rest of the present company had.
" Ah !" said Cuthbert — " so it was — it is one of the earliest events of my life that I can remember — you weren't born or thought of, Gilbert, then. I forget if I ever told you "
" What," said I, "on Shooter's Hill?"
" Yes," replied Cuthbert, " that place beyond Blackheath, where there's the model of Severn- droog — I never shall forget it — my poor father was with me. Something by the road-side frightened the off-horse, and away we went — down the hill at full speed — set the other horse off with him, and we thought — hey dear — thought we should be dashed to pieces."
" And how did you escape, Sir ?" said the lieutenant.
" Oh ! " replied Cuthbert, " when they got to the bottom of the hill the horses stopped of them- selves— Ah ! "
I perceived that Cuthbert — having sent for his handkerchief, bathed his temples with the can de
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12 GURNEY MARRIED.
Cologne, and begged me to stir the fire, and place the sofa cushions conveniently for his repose — was a fixture for the rest of the day ; and as the story I did wait to hear was only the first of a series which he was in the habit of telling as re- gularly as the " Friar of Orders Grey" told his beads, I left the assembly, not without receiving a look from Harriet, too distinctly expressive of her feelings to be misunderstood.
I have merely noted these few trifling facts, because I very much fear that the total want of sympathy, which unfortunately exists between Cuthbert and all those with whom he must con- stantly associate while staying here, will some day exhibit itself in a positive and unequivocal manner. What is to happen when the three Fal- wassers come from school, I do not even venture to premise. They have never had the advantage of maternal care ; and, from the extremely unde- fined character of Cuthbert's conversation and remarks touching them, I have not been able to form any just estimate of their character or qua- lities. Somehow I begin to think the scheme of
GURNEY MARRIED. 13
admitting any relation, however near, as a con- stant resident in the establishment of a married couple, is at best but hazardous. Yet in my case it has been inevitable ; but for Cuthbert I should not have had the house in which he desires to be an inmate. Besides, he wants cherishing; a man at his time of life, returned to a country the man- ners and habits of which are totally different from those of the distant empire in which he has passed the prime of his life, would be lost if left to himself. Friends he has few, relations none, except myself; and if ever a momentary doubt of the entire success of our menage at Ashmead does cross my mind, it is speedily dismissed by the recollection of how much I owe him, and how essential my attention to his wishes is to his com- fort.
There were many points in Cuthbert's history upon which I should very much have liked to be enlightened; but my hopes and expectations were vain. All the important features of his past life seemed either to be studiously concealed from my sight, or to have escaped his own recollec-
14 GURNEY MARRIED.
tion. His random records consisted of nothing but frivolous anecdotes which appeared to float to and fro upon the surface of his mind, while the serious facts had sunk altogether " out of soundings."
I admit that I began to find Wells and his wife, and two or three other friends, getting fidgetty, and evincing much of dislike to be so overlaid — if I may use the expression — with poor Cuthbert, — who having, fortunately for him- self, evinced a passion for chess, discovered that Mr. Sniggs, the apothecary, could place the pieces for him, and make the ordinary moves against him, suggested to the said Sniggs that he should be delighted to see him whenever his pro- fessional occupations permitted, and that there was always luncheon at half-past one, and so on.
This was quite right. — Why should not Cuth- bert like chess? — Why should not he ask Sniggs? NO reason why — except that Mrs. Wells always thought that the flower of her flock, Adelgitha, lost her life through want of skill on tin; part of this very Sniggs: and they were
12
GURNEY MARRIED. 15
consequently the bitterest foes — Cuthbert and Sniggs the dearest friends. Sniggs not only- played chess with him, and put the men all ready before they began, but having prescribed a sort of mawkish drink — a kind of sickly negus, powdered with " Mareschalle" nutmeg — compounded it for his friend, patient, and antagonist, and adminis- tered it secundum artem.
Sniggs literally did that, which many men, and even their observations, are said to do — he " smelt of the shop ;" and when the atmosphere was heavy and the " scent lay," his entrance into the drawing-room, where Cuthbert, for the sake of making himself amiable, would sit, was the signal for the departure and dispersion of the little family coterie, — who were up like a covey of partridges on his arrival ; alleging as a reason, that they were quite sure they should disturb the chess-players if they staid.
Sniggs was a character — in his way ; he knew every thing that was going on in the neighbour- hood. The proverb, as Ray has it, says,
" Children pick up words, as pigeons peas, And utter them again as God shall please."
16 GURNEY MARRIED.
Sniggs collected indefatigably, but most disin- terestedly retained nothing. What he picked up in one house he let fall in the next ; and so served as a regular gazette for the whole com- munity. This was a great resource for poor Cuthbert, who, to keep up the simile of the pigeons, was as happy as any squeaker in the world to be crammed after Sniggs's fashion, however coarsely the aliment was supplied.
" Set the men, Sniggs," said Cuthbert, when the coast was quite clear — " any news?"
" You play with the red," said Sniggs, arrang- ing the pieces accordingly — " no, Sir, not much news. Miss Wobberly, the pretty girl with the flaxen hair, Sir — sits opposite to you at church — hear she is going to be married — sugar-baker in London — called there just now — stomach out of order — touch of dyspepsia — too many minced pies — quantity of bile in a minced pie, Sir — all meat, dirt, fat, plums, lemon-peel, and puff-paste. She'll be well by Tuesday — the mother a charm- ing woman — asked me to dine Thursday — a little touch of erysipelas, not worth mentioning — pleasant creature. Wobberly a vulgar man —
GURNEY MARRIED. 17
always ailing — can't get gout to show itself — gentlemanly disease the gout — gout and short sight are not destined for the vulgar — once saw a hackney-coachman with spectacles — wrote a
paper upon it in a first-rate periodical you
begin, Sir."
" I move my king's pawn," said Cuthbert : " it saves trouble to take the usual course."
" Exactly so, Sir," said Sniggs : " that's what Major Frowsty says — an excellent patient of mine, who has a sort of hydrophobia — "
"Indeed— ah," said Cuthbert — " mad.— I'll push him on, another square."
" No," said Sniggs ; " not mad : you don't see my fun. Hydrophobia — does not like bathing. I order a bath, — he says it is cold; — order it hot, — says he don't like it : — can't get him to wash ; — nothing so good, Sir; — excellent gentleman the Major; — did you know him abroad?"
" No," said Cuthbert ; "just move that knight for me, while I blow my nose. Where has he been?"
18 GURNEY MARRIED.
" Somewhere in your district," said Sniggs : " at Tunis, I think."
" I never was at Tunis," said Cuthbert.
" I think, between you and me; Sir," said Sniggs, " it would have been as well if he had never been there : he won't take medicine, do all I can ; and if I say he is really ill, he talks about a physician. I believe, between you and me, Sir, that he ran away with the daughter of a Bey, or something of that sort, and nearly had his head cut off. But that's nothing to the affair of the Hackingtons, who live at the white house at the end of the lane — la bless you ! — their second daughter, — of course this is entre nous, — is over head and ears in love with the ostler at the Cock and Bottle. Your move, Sir. And the way I found that out was, that Mrs. Widdles, at the corner — the library — told me that Jim Walker, the ostler in question, had been into her shop to buy a sheet of paper to write home to his mother, and got her to do the letter, in which the whole facts were stated. I have just sent
GURNEY MARRIED. 19
Miss Hackington a pill and a draught; but as the poet says, I cannot
" Minister to a mind diseased."
So I made them quite innocent, dry bread and a little honey rolled up in the palm of my hand — eh, — eh, Sir ? — Of course this goes no farther. Check to your king."
" I like to hear the news," said Cuthbert, " although I don't know the people."
" Lord bless you, Sir," said Sniggs, " 1 never let out these sort of things, except to you. Now of course I know all about Lieut. Merman's tendre for Miss Fanny; but, then, as I say, that is totally a different story; here we are — titled — a family of consequence and respectabi- lity ; mute as a mackerel, — not a syllable passes my lips. Delightful family the Wells's, Sir ; — so clever Mr. Wells, — what a preacher ! — makes me weep like a watering-pot when he gives us a charity sermon, although I always get myselt called out to a patient before the collection, to save stumpy; — don't you think he is a powerful man, Sir?"
" Your queen is in check," said Cuthbert.
20 GURNEY MARRIED.
" A thousand pardons," said Sniggs. " What's your notion as to tithes, Sir ? — quite legal, con- stitutional, and all that ; but don't you think, — just before I take the queen out of check, — don't you think something might be done in regard to that question ? The law by which tithe is secured to the clergy, Sir, is just as good and as valid as that by which the first duke in the land holds his estates — eh, don't you see, Sir? But I think still something might be done to get rid, you see, Sir, of the objectionable part of the question. That's what I say to Mr. Wells. Mrs. Wells, I believe, is not so great a friend of mine ; never goes beyond powders. Rheubarb, and magnesia, or jalap and cream-o'-tartar, are the extremes, and those only for the housemaids. Still I have a high regard for them all. I think the tithe system operates unequally, Sir. I take your rook ; — you didn't see that, Sir. All clergymen are not alike. I recollect reading, Sir, that Dr. Prideaux, — I don't know if you know much of him, — said that some men enter upon their cures with as little knowledge of divinity as the meanest of their congregation — eh ! — heard the story of
GURNEY MARRIED. 21
human felicity, — something inside of a pig, — forgive me, — but it is an apt illustration of the stupidity of a congregation."
" Very stupid," said Cuthbert; " do me the favour to push my rook over to the side of your queen ; there, where it is guarded by that pawn. Yes, I think you are quite right."
" And then, as 1 say, Sir," continued Sniggs, " the spirit — the public spirit of Mrs. Wells — that fancy ball and bazaar for the charity-schools — what a sight — dear young creatures exposing themselves in every way at the stalls, and selling things for fifteen shillings which they bought for five — passing them off, of course, for their own. Why now there's that Mrs. Fletcher, — I declare that woman ought no more to have gone out Tuesday week — Oh! Sir, such a state she is in — such a complication of disorders — of course this is entre nous — what I call death in the pot — never mind — people must die when their time comes. I have put her through a regular course of steel — done all I could. Don't you recollect, Sir, the story of the sick man at the watering-
22 GURNEY MARRIED.
place, who was sent down to tone himself up — went to a boarding-house — ignorant creature — that sort of thing — took all sorts of bitters to strengthen himself and bring him round, under the advice of one of those refined physicians who pick up guineas from ninnies, as I should say; and having dined and supped with his fellow- boarders, retired, as they did, to rest. In the middle of the night, the whole house was alarmed by noises much resembling those of a rabid dog, attended with a stamping of feet along the differ- ent passages of the house. This continued some time, but about two o'clock in the morning it subsided, and, as they say in the account of a naval action, ' the boarders had it all to them- selves.'
" In the morning, complaints having been made to the matron, or whatever the female figure-head of such establishments is called, as to the row, she remonstrated with the patient, and begged to know why he disturbed the in- mates of her else peaceable house? ' Why, Mam,' said he, ' I am ordered to do it by my
GURNEY MARRIED. 23
physicians, for the good of my health : which is the thing for which I am come here' — mark the English, Sir. ' So,' says she, ' make a noise for the benefit of your health?' ' Yes,' says lie, 'in conjunction with the wine which I drank at dinner.' ' How is that ?' said the lady, who doubted whether her guest was more knave or fool. * Yes,' said he, ' my doctor ordered me to come down here to take port wine at dinner every day, and bark every night ; and so I will, let the consequences be what they may.' Don't you
see, Sir? — eh? — bark, — to bark at night
there was the mistake — your king's in check."
" That's a very good story," said Cuthbert ; " not but that bark is a very good thing to strengthen people — as for port wine, I can't touch it — drinking it is to me like having a pep- pered birch-broom poked down my throat."
" Never tried, Highness," said Sniggs, " as the King of Prussia said to the soldier — ever heard that, Sir ? The King of Prussia fond of music — hundred thousand men to sing one song — recollect — check he once took a fancy to
24 GURNEY MARRIED.
a brave grenadier — story of the bullet for the watch — that you havo heard — never mind, n'im- pqrte. The King of Prussia says to the grena- dier, ' Can you play the fiddle ?' What d'ye think he answered, Sir ? ' Can't guess.' « Never
tried, Highness' — new story that — ah, Sir !
clear me, you have taken my knight."
" Just take it off the board for me, will you ?" said Cuthbert, wholly unable from habit to lift a piece of ivory so ponderous.
" Talking of knights," said Cuthbert, and looking at his knight's horse's head, " did I ever tell you the story of my being run away with down Shooter's Hill, when 1 was quite a boy ?" " Shooter's Hill !" said Sniggs, with extremely well-acted curiosity ; " no, I think not, Sir."
" Well, it was very remarkable," said Cuth- bert. " My poor father and I were going in a post-chaise just by the place where there is now a sort of castle in imitation of Severndroog, and something by the roadside frightened the off-horse, and away he went: this frightened the other, and they went down the hill at a tre-
GURNEY MARRIED. 25
mendous rate, and everybody thought we should be dashed to atoms, and — you never — ah ! — saw such a sight in your life — ah ! "
" Well, Sir," said Sniggs (who, like everybody else who had been at Ashmead, had heard Cuth- bert's pet story over and over again), "and what happened ?"
" Why, — ah ! " said Cuthbert, nearly exhausted by the exertion of relating the adventure; " luckily, when they got to the bottom of the hill the horses stopped of themselves."
"Very lucky, indeed," said Sniggs; "disap- pointed the surgeon there, Sir check to your
king."
"Ah ! that's a serious check," said Cuthbert ; " I must think about that. Will you just ring the bell. Doctor — I must send for my snuff. Ah ! and now you are up, do me the kindness just to stir the fire."
" Check to my king," continued Cuthbert ; " umph — so, so — Hutton, my snuff-box — see what o'clock it is — ah ! "
" It is past four, Sir," said Sniggs, looking at
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26 GURNEY MARRIED.
his watch. " We shall scarcely have light enough to finish the game.''
" Ah ! " said Cuthbert, " I am afraid we shall — I don't see how to get my king out of this scrape ;" and hereupon the player fell into one of those lengthened reveries which are the cha- racteristics of this noble and scientific diversion.
Hutton brought the snuff-box — he stood un- heeded; at length Cuthbert, raising his eyes from the board with all the gravity of the automaton, looked vacantly at him for half a minute, until Hutton felt it necessary to recall his master to a sense of his situation, and said, " The snuff-box, Sir."
" Oh ! " sighed Cuthbert, " open it for me, Hutton — this is a puzzler — ah ! " saying which he, with apparent difficulty, carried the pinch he had taken from the box to its destination.
Franklin says, that by playing at chess we learn : —
"First. Foresight, which looks a little into fu- turity— considers the consequences that may at- tend an action ; for it is continually occurring to
GURNEY MARRIED. 27
the player, ' If I move this piece, what will be the advantage of my new situation ? What use can my adversary make of it to annoy me ? What other moves can I make to support it, and to de- fend myself from his attacks?'
" Secondly. Circumspection, which surveys the whole board or scene of action — the relations of the several pieces and situations — the dangers they are perpetually exposed to — the several possibilities of their aiding each other — the pro- babilities that the adversary may take this or that move, and attack this or the other piece; and what different means can be used to avoid the stroke, or turn its consequences against him.
" Thirdly. Caution — not to make our moves too hastily ; this habit is best acquired by observ- ing strictly the laws of the game, such as, If you touch a piece you must move it somewhere ; if you set it down you must let it stand,' and it is therefore best that these rules should be ob- served ; as the game thereby becomes more the image of human life, and particularly of war ; and which, if you have incautiously put your-
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28 GURNEY MARRIED.
self into a bad and dangerous position, you cannot obtain your enemy's leave to withdraw your troops and place them more securely, but must abide all the consequences of your rash- ness.
" And, lastly, we learn by chess the habit of not being discouraged by present bad appear- ances in the state of our affairs: the habit of hoping for a favourable change, and that of per* severing in the search of resources."
As Sniggs watched the entire abstraction of Cuthbert from everything in the world except his jeopardized monarch, he could not avoid thinking of Franklin's description of the advan- tages derivable from the game; but having waited and watched, until it appeared to him that his amiable adversary had either dropped into a slumber, or, at least, a wakeful unconsciousness, burst upon him, by asking if he ever heard what Dr. Franklin said to Mr. Hancock, on the occa- sion of signing the treaty of American Inde- pendence,— " We must be unanimous in this business," said Hancock; "we must all hang
GURNEY MARRIED. 29
together." " Indeed we must," said Franklin, " or else we shall all hang separately."
" No, never," said Cuthbert, "never; they vvern't hanged, were they? Upon my word, Doc- tor, I cannot take the trouble to get this king out of difficulty. Tell me what had I best do ? "
" Oh, do you take counsel from your enemy,
Sir," said Sniggs ; " I should say "
— what we are not destined to know ; for, at the moment in which the new adviser was taking a searching look at the state of affairs, Cuthbert, overcome by the difficulty to which he had been subjecting himself, gave a tremendous yawn, ac- companied by an attempted change of position upon his sofa cushions, in performing which evolution, his right leg came in contact with Mrs. Gilbert's delicate table, on which they were playing, which was instantly upset. Down went the board, the men, the eau de Cologne, and the snuff-box ; knights and pawns were promiscu- ously scattered on the carpet, and Cuthbert, elevating himself, and leaning on his arm, gazed
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30 GURNEY MARRIED.
calmly on the scene of destruction, while Sniggs sat bolt upright in his chair, his eyes widely opened, his brows elevated, and his mouth con- tracted into the first position for whistling, look- ing at the vacant space before him, as spectators gaze on the slip whence a huge ship has just slid into that which modern writers call her "native element," (in which she never had been before,) or the crowd into an enclosure after the ascent of a balloon from the middle of it.
"Sic transit gloria mundi!" said Sniggs.
" To-day is Tuesday," said Cuthbert ; " ring the bell, Doctor, let us have in some of the peo- ple to pick up these men and things — the snuff is spilt, so is the eau de Cologne; and Mrs. Gilbert is so very particular about her carpet. Ah ! what shall we do ?"
"This, Sir," said Sniggs, "is what you call turning the tables upon me."
" It did not fall on you, did it, Doctor?" said the unsuspecting Cuthbert.
No; no harm's done," said Sniggs, who
u
GURNEY MAURIED. 31
forthwith restored the piece of furniture to its proper place, and began picking up the scattered forces of the contending armies.
" Don't fatigue yourself," said Cuthbert : " you'll tire yourself to death, stooping about. Ah ! dear me ; what a flurry this accident has put me in."
Hutton made his appearance, and speedily restored order ; however it was getting too dark to begin a fresh game. The casualties con- sisted of the fracture of one or two pieces, two squares cracked in the inlaid board, the snuff lost, and the eau de Cologne bottle severely wounded; and as it was getting late, Sniggs proceeded to gather up his hat and cloak, for the purpose of retiring.
" Hadn't you better dine here," said Cuth- bert, " and let us renew our game in the evening —eh, do."
" You are very kind," said Sniggs, " I shall have great pleasure; but I must just step to the surgery, to make up some few things for my patients; I will return at six."
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" Come back as soon as you can," said Cuth- bert, " I'll get Hutton to wheel me to my room, and dress me directly, so that I shall be here waiting for you."
" I'll be with you as soon as possible," said Sniggs, who took his departure and hurried home, in order to tell Mrs. Sniggs, that she needn't have the fowl and bacon cooked, which had been ordered as an addition to the cold mutton, but make her dinner upon that, and keep the fowl and the bacon for the next day, when he did not " dine out."
" Well," said I, entering the room, as soon as I saw Sniggs departing across the lawn ; " you have had a long spell with the doctor."
".Yes," said Cuthbert, "such a misfortune! — upset the table — broke the bottle — played the very deuce !"
" What, in a fit of enthusiasm ?" said I.
"No," said Cuthbert; "ah! dear no — in moving my leg."
" Well," said I, " that matters little. I am not sorry that Sniggs has moved his legs."
GURNEY MARRIED. '}•'}
" You don't like Sniggs, Gilbert," said my brother.
" Indeed I do," replied I; "but toujours per- drix is too much of a good thing."
" But he is not a partridge, Gilbert," said my brother.
" No," said I, " nor a goose ; but the very qualities for which you like his society, are those which make me less glad to see him than I otherwise should be. You like to hear all the gossip of the place, which he unquestionably gives you with point and precision: but whenever I hear his anecdotes of patients, and his details of their disorders, I always recollect that as he is universally agreeable, we, in our turns, with all our little foibles and failings, mentaj and bodily, become equally subjects of amusement for everybody else in the neighbourhood."
" Ah, well," said Cuthbert, " there is some- thing in that to be sure that never struck me before ; but what have we about us that can be laughed at ?"
"Oh, my dear brother," said I, " lay not that
c5
:34 GURNEY MARRIED.
flattering unction to your soul; rely upon it we are just as good subjects for satire and caricature as our neighbours."
" Well, I don't see that," said my brother— "will you just ring the bell for Hutton? my shoe has got untied, and 1 want him to tie it for me. I am not conscious of saying or doing anything to be laughed at for."
I did as I was desired; for although the readiest way of saving my indolent brother the trouble of tying his own shoe would have been tying it for him myself, I knew enough of him to be aware that however importunate and con- tinuous his demands upon the attentions of his servant might be, he would not permit me to inconvenience, or, as he would have thought it, fatigue myself by doing so.
Hutton came — tied the shoe — lifted the foot upon which it was worn, into its proper place on the sofa — and retired.
" I am sorry now, that I asked Sniggs to come back and dine," said Cuthbert.
So was I — not so much because, although
12
GURNEY MARRIED. 35
Sniggs was really an agreeable and entertaining companion, he was coming to break in upon what had become to me the delightful homeish- ness of a really family party, or because Cuth- bert's giving invitations without communicating with me, or even going through the ceremony of asking my concurrence, however certain it was never to have been withheld, perpetually re- minded me more forcibly than was quite agree- able, of the real position in which 1 stood with regard to him. I knew that the odd things which he occasionally did in this way resulted from no feeling but an apathetic indolence of mind, which induced him to make just as much exertion as might secure for himself a certain quantum of amusement. Poor fellow, he had no wife to comfort or console him, and I often thought that the very sight of our domestic happiness, might perhaps unconsciously some- how worry and vex him. From what I had gathered of his lost lady, she certainly did not, in any one point of person or character, re- semble my dear Harriet; but still there was the
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36 GURNEY MARRIED.
contrast continually before his eyes. I therefore made every allowance for his wish to break in upon our serenity, which he could not himself enjoy, by the introduction of what were to him enlivening visitors.
The Nubleys were almost always at dinner with us, or, if not, " came in the evening," and, to be sure, they were generally counteracted by the Wells's ; and this system of intervention and counteraction had the effect of amusing Cuth- bert, although, as I admit, at the expense of my own comfort.
Then there was another torment. Where was the absolute necessity of having Lieutenant Merman so constantly with us? Mrs. W^ells had discovered that he had an extremely rich aunt ; and now that Harriet was married — for well do I recollect being threatened with this very Lieutenant before she was — he appeared what mothers call an eligible match for Fanny. Him my wife undertook to invite ; and if it were an eligible match for Fanny, and if she liked the man, and the man liked her, it was all very reason-
GURNEY MARRIED. 37
able and natural that Harriet should wish to en- courage it, especially as her father never made any- secret of his strong prepossession in favour of the anti-Malthusian system of early marriages. But still it was a great nuisance to me: though I could not say so, because I knew the moment I raised an objection, Harriet would have sent Fanny away, and then, she would have been uncom- fortable without her.
I remember travelling once in a stage-coach which runs from London — no matter whither, — with two remarkably nice young ladies: — the one in all the sparkling bloom of beauty; a sweet freshness glowed on her rosy cheeks, and love and laughter beamed in her radiant eyes; the other was pale and attenuated, her eyes were languid and downcast, and her weakness such, that she was literally lifted into the coach and laid, as it were, upon the seat opposite to that which her lively sister shared with me. She seemed to be kept alive only by cordial medi- cines, which were administered to her whenever we stopped to change horses. At the town where
*7 7il
38 GURNEY MARRIED.
the rest of the passengers dined I got her some Eau de Cologne, and her sister bathed her tem- ples, and the sick girl looked grateful, and even wept ; the pretty sister looked grateful, too, and I became extremely anxious to know more of their history.
At one period, as the day advanced, and the termination of our journey approached, the in- valid sank into a slumber, of which I took advan- tage to enquire the nature of her complaint.
" Her case," said my fair companion, " is hopeless. She is returning to her native air, but it is rather to gratify a dying wish, than with any probability of success."
" What," said I, in a half-whisper, lest I should disturb the sleeper, " what is she suffer- ing from ?"
" The physicians," replied my companion, " say that her heart is affected." *
"Ah!" said I, "aneurism?"
"No, Sir," said my fair friend, shaking her head, " a lieutenant."
I confess this non-medical description of tin-
GURNEY MARRIED. 39
young lady's disease, (partaking largely, to be sure, of " scarlutina") startled me not a little. However, I looked at her with different eyes afterwards, and endeavoured to convince her sister of the deep interest which I took in both of them. At a particular point of the journey I left them, and shook hands with them, not with- out wishing1 to hear more of them at some future time.
It so happened that I did hear more of them ; and, although anybody who hereafter reads my notes may not care to hear it, it is satisfactory to myself to know that the poor invalid re- covered, and by the next year was perfectly restored to health. Whether she arrived at this happy conclusion by putting herself under a regimen or into a regiment, I did not ascertain. As far as the simple fact goes, there it is.
My sisrer-in-law Fanny did not appear to me at all a likely subject for a similar complaint — her present turn was to laugh at her lover. Every woman has her own tactics in the great business of female life ; and Fanny sought to
40 GURNEY MARRIED.
win by smiles — at least if winning were her object; — and I must say I never saw any man more resolved upon her eventually becoming Mrs. Merman than her reverend father, who was assiduously re-enacting the drama in which I and Harriet had unconsciously performed some months before.
These words bring me to a subject upon which I shall touch but lightly, because I may be dis- appointed; but as things look at present, it seems most probable that I shall attain to the dignity of a father " before four moons have filled their horns." A thousand new ties will then bind me to the world — a thousand new duties de- volve upon me. Well ! I have thus early in life, seen enough of the world to qualify me for a guardian and guide. To be sure, if I should have a son, he will not require much of my "guiding" for some years to come, and then I may look more sternly at the world's "follies," and become a severe parent, as the young beau generally be- comes an old sloven ; but I think I shall be able to make my son, my friend, — a course of educa-
GURNEY MARRIED. 41
tion most favourable to a boy who is born while his father is yet young.
There are, however, men — and I could point out a very remarkable instance — who cannot bring themselves to such a line of proceeding — who see in their sons, rivals for " golden opi- nions," and opponents in the race of life — who hear with no pleasure the shrewd remark, the pointed phrase, or witty observation of the youthful aspirant for fame and honour; but who, feeling as parents do towards their off- spring, and would feel, if they lived to the age of Methuselah, that they are still children, en- deavour to check and subdue the ebullitions of their genius, and keep them subject to them- selves.
Towards daughters, the feelings of a father are totally different — no rivalry is to be feared there, consequently there is no jealousy. The more lovely, the more accomplished, and the more attractive a girl is, the more delighted is the fond father with her attractions. In some instances, mothers however are found somewhat
42 GURNEY MARRIED.
to partake of the feelings of fathers towards their sons, with regard to the young ladies. Many a poor creature has been embargoed into the nur- sery or the governess's room for at least four years after she ought to have been out, because she unfortunately happened to be born when her mamma was not more than seventeen, who at three-and-thirty did not like to have a beautiful repetition of herself at that age, constantly associated with her, to induce comparison.
By Jove, Sniggs has arrived, and the second bell is ringing — so away with my papers, and
" To dinner with what appetite wc may."
CHAPTER II.
Butler tells us that —
" All love, at first, like generous wine, Ferments and frets until 'tis fine ; But when 'tis settled on the lee, And from th' impurer matter free, Becomes the richer, still the older, And proves the pleasanter the colder."
A humorous description of the effects of this pleasant frigidity is given by the facetious, yet almost now forgotten, George Alexander Stee- vens, who says, " Courtship is a fine bowling- green turf, all galloping round and sweetheart- ing — a sunshine holiday in summer time; but when once through the turnpike of matrimony, the weather becomes wintry, and some husbands
44 GURNET MARRIED.
are seized with a cold fit, to which the faculty give the name of Indifference. Courtship is matrimony's running footman, but is too often carried away by the two great preservatives of matrimonial friendship — delicacy and gratitude. There is also another very serious disorder with which ladies are sometimes seized durino- the honeymoon, and which the College of Phy- sicians call Sullenness. This malady arises from some incautious word which has been ad- dressed to the patient, who is then leaning on her elbow on the breakfast-table, her cheek resting upon the palm of her hand, her eyes fixed earnestly upon the fire, and her feet beating tat-too time. The husband, meanwhile, is biting his lips, pulling down his ruffles, stamping about the room, and looking at his lady like Old Nick. At last he abruptly says, < Well, Ma'am, what's the matter with you ?' The lady mildly replies, • Nothing.' ' What is it you do mean ?' « No- thing.' * What would you have me do ?' ' No- thing.' ' What have I done, Madam?' ' Oh, nothing.' And this quarrel arose at breakfast :
GURNEY MARRIED. 43
the lady very innocently observed she thought the tea was made with Thames water ; the hus- band, in mere contradiction, insisted upon it that the tea-kettle was filled out of the New River."
This, and the domestic felicity of Sir Charles and Lady Racket, " three weeks after mar- riage," brought to my recollection the scene I had witnessed between Mr. and Mrs. Daly at their lodgings in London, and made me congra- tulate myself upon the escape I had made from the superficial attractions of Miss Emma Haines. Thence my thoughts glanced to the expatriated husband and the separated wife in that case ; and I began to wonder what had happened to my once worshipped idol, and how she was "making it out" with her mother and the major.
Nothing at all comparable with this was hap- pening to me. Harriet was still all gentleness and playfulness. Her wishes seemed to be bounded by the desire of pleasing me ; and her kindness transferred, on my account, not only to my brother, but to the children of his late wife, and even beyond those to others who had no tie
46 GURNEY MARRIED.
or claim whatever upon us, except as apparently contributing to his comfort, was unqualified as it was unaffected. This is charming; but still
Here are the three Falwassers — two misses and one master. What then ? — they are en- deared and attached — they scarcely know why — to my brother Cuthbert, who is their father-in- law. Kitty Falvvasser, a fine girl of fourteen or fifteen, rubs his temples with Eau-de-Cologne. " Jenny," as he calls her, fetches his snuff-box, cuts the leaves of his books, puts the additional lump of sugar in his tea when Harriet does not make it sweet enough, and even goes the length occasionally of drinking it for him. Tom Fal- wasser is a pyrotechnist ; his whole holidays are passed in making squibs and crackers; and he comes in, after dinner, as his father-in-law de- sires, smelling of gunpowder like a devil.
I remember, in some former notes of mine, I explained the innocence of this same word, as used colloquially to designate a certain wooden implement, in the use and exercise of which I greatly rejoiced before my union with Harry, —
GURNEY MARRIED. 47
I call her Harry now: how odd ! — and it is again necessary to say, lest I might be considered pro- fane, that when I state Tom to have smelt like a "devil," I mean that he smelt like one of those little, black, haycock-shaped mixtures of gun- powder and water which that mischievous clog, Daly, mixed with Lady Wolverhampton's pastilles, upon the celebrated night when her ladyship's lovely niece fell into the indescribable error committed in other days by the dairy-maid of Dr. Green, the Gloucester schoolmaster, under the auspices of that reverend and much revered gentleman, as recorded by the right worthy John Taylor, the water poet.
" Gilbert," said Cuthbert to me, " these children of Emily's — just give me my pocket- handkerchief, Jenny. — Poor Emily Well, I wish you had known her; it would have saved me a world of trouble in explaining all her — ah! — virtues and — ah! — merits. — They are nice children, and I love them as if they were my own. Besides, here they are — all ! — no trouble to me "
48 GURNEY MARRIED.
I could not help thinking, mischievously perhaps, of the " ready-made family" ware- houses which one sees advertised about town.
" And they have petitioned me to be
allowed to invite Mrs. Brandyball, their school- mistress, or, as they call her, their governess, to come here for the last week or fortnight of their holidays, so that they may go back with her to school."
" I'm sure," said I, " nothing can be more agreeable than to do what you like. Harriet's confinement is shortly expected; but that, of course, will make no difference."
" She is a very nice woman, indeed," said Cuthbert. " I did not take the trouble to talk to her much ; but she seems very full of proper feeling, and that sort of thing ; and is about as good an European as I recollect to have seen for a great many years."
A good European ! thought I to myself. Well, I see what must happen ; Mrs. Brandy- ball, whoever she is, must come. " Anything,
(1URNEY MARRIED. 49
my dear Cuthbert, you wish," said I, " of course you will command."
" No, no," said Cuthbert, " I can't exert myself to command : only I think it would please the children, and their dear mother, who — to be sure, she is gone; but then she is at rest — that's a great thing; only I should like to pay every respect to her memory, and to her children. They think it would make them better considered by the whole school, if she came here, and saw how well they lived ; and besides, it would save me the trouble of writing a letter, or dictating to Hutton what I wished to sav to her respecting my views of their future educa- tion ; and you have another spare room."
What could I reply? All the rooms in the house were spare rooms to him. So I said — " My dear Cuthbert, not another word. Mrs. Rrandyball will be most welcome to Ashmead : as, indeed," I added, " is anybody upon earth whom you wish to come here."
" I have not many friends in this country .
vol. i. n
50 GURNEY MARRIED.
said Cuthbert; " that is to say, I dare say I have a good many people with whom I have been very intimate in India, and to whom I am really very much attached ; but I have no idea how to find out where they are ; some, of course, are dead,
and — so Well, but I am very glad you have
no objection to Mrs. Brandyball's visit. Now, the next thing we must do, is to get somebody to write to her to invite her."
" I think if Kitty Falwasser were to write," said I, " it would perhaps be thought a civil way of doing the thing."
" Yes," said Cuthbert ; " but then you know she does not write without lines; and then we should have to rule them, and when she had fin- ished, to rub them out, — and besides, she does not like writing, — she is too young for that yet. My poor wife gave instructions to Mrs. Brandy- ball, when the children were sent home, not to force their intellect, — let it develop itself, — don't fatigue their minds, poor things, — think what a thing it would be to learn half a page of a French
GURNEY MARRIED. 51
vocabulary in a day, and take a lesson of danc- ing afterwards ! it's enough to wear them to skeletons !"
" I quite agree with you," said I, " that no- thing is more absurd, not to call it barbarous, than the forcing system to which you allude, nor anything more lamentable than to see children repeating by rote whole pages of history or poetry, conceived in terms, which, to them, are inexplic- able, and even delivered in a language which they don't understand. Yet still I think Kitty Falwasser might in her fourteenth or fifteenth year contrive to write a letter to her governess, inasmuch as she wrote you a remarkably nice announcement of the approaching holidays."
" Oh, that," said Cuthbert, raising himself a little upon one of his elbows, " took her thirteen days' constant labour, — so she tells me — did it over two-and-twenty times ; and at last got one of the teachers to put in all the capital letters. No, — Kitty has no turn for writing, — she colours prints very nicely : she has painted all the kings'
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52 GURNEY MARRIED.
heads in her ' History of England,' — she lias a genius that way, — her poor mother used to be very clever in — what they call — I can't recollect, — but it was cutting holes in cards, and painting through them — something about tinting I think — ]10 — if you don't like to write, I'll dictate a note to Hutton, and then he can take it himself to the post-office. I want to send my watch down to Stephenson's shop, for somehow, I have lost — or dropped — or mislaid my watch-key ; I dare say it is somewhere under the sofa cushions : however, he'd better go and get me another ; and then Stephenson can set my watch by the church clock. I only found out half an hour ago that it has not been going since Tuesday, when I set it last."
I could scarcely keep silence during this beau- tiful illustration of my helpless brother's cha- racter, which developed itself in every action of hi- life, if action the evitation of all movement in which he delighted could be called. However, I wanted to hear the conclusion of his labour-
GURNEY MARRIED. 53
saving- scheme, before I suggested to him that my wife would probably be the properest person to give the invitation.
" Oh ! certainly," said Cuthbert ; " but that will give her a great deal of trouble : and then so near her confinement, — somebody had better write it in her name."
" No, my dear brother," said I, " Harriet is quite strong enough to write a letter ; she likes employment both mental and bodily, — she'll be delighted."
" So shall I," said my brother ; " but it is quite wonderful to see her ; and to think, — Oh dear, dear, what a heap of trials women have to undergo ! Yes ; then that, I think, will be the best way, — it will look civil, and attentive, and kind. I wonder I had not thought of that at first."
" I suppose," said I, " it had better be done immediately ?"
" Yes, certainly," replied Cuthbert; " Kitty was very anxious about it this morning, because
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54 GURNEY MARRIKD.
I think she told me the lady was gone somewhere — where, I don't remember — to stay for a fort- night,— from whence she could take this on her way home. I'm sure you'll like her — she is so lady-like in her manners, and so gentle, and talks so well, and so very much attached to the chil- dren."
" That her presence will be agreeable to you," said I, " is, as I have already said, sufficient of itself to render her a welcome visiter here."
" There's another thing the girls told me to ask you," said Cuthbert ; " your youngest sister- in-law has been talking to them about — oh dear, my head — about some very clever danc- ing-master who lives here ; and they were saying, if you had no objection, they should like to take lessons three or four times a-week for an hour or two, — it would put them forward, — how they can take this trouble I don't understand ; but they are young and light, to be sure, — and so, — I said I would ask you. The drawing-room isn't used in the mornings, and perhaps — "
GURNEY MARRIED. 55
" Oh, certainly," said I ; " they will not in the least interfere with us — only, perhaps, when Harriet is confined, we may — "
" Oh, that's another matter," said Cuthbert : " Kitty has got all the particulars of the man's terms ; and I had the paper yesterday, but I'm sure I haven't any idea where it is now. Do just ring the bell, Gilbert ; I'll get Hutton to look for it, and then he can take a message about it." I rang the bell, and Hutton appeared. " Have you seen," said Cuthbert to the ser- vant, " a paper about the terms of a dancing- master that Miss Falwasser gave me yester- day?"
" Yes, Sir," said Hutton, " Mr. Kittington ; I have been there, Sir, — to his house. Miss Falwasser told me to desire him to call upon you to-day : he said he would be here at three. I thought, Sir, Miss had told you so herself, or I should have mentioned it."
" Oh, that's all very convenient," said Cuth- bert; " I'll see him when he comes. Where ar> the young ladies ?"
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" Out in the laundry, I believe, Sir," said Hutton, " acting a play ; Master Tom has got some fireworks there, and they are all dressed up ; and Miss Fanny Wells, and her sister, and Mr. Merman are there."
"Dear me," said Cuthbert; "what a pity they don't come and act here ; it would amuse us excessively ; it is quite out of the question going all the way across the court-yard. What droll things, — eh?"
This all sounded mighty playful and extremely pretty ; but the circumstances, the free and easy manner of Miss Kitty Falwasser considered, are not altogether satisfactory to me, I confess. It was clear that the two girls entirely managed their indolent father-in-law; and that the elder one, fully conscious of her power over him, had, having merely expressed a wish, and asked per- mission to take lessons in dancing, reckoned his compliance so much as a matter of course, as not to think it necessary to wait even till she had obtained it, before she sent for the Terpsichorean professor. As to my opinion or objection upon
GURNEY MARRIED. 57
the subject, it was clear that none of the family considered them of the slightest importance.
I certainly had the curiosity to visit the " theatre," where I found Miss Falwasser with her face blackened, dressed up in a shawl and turban, having squeezed herself into a pair of her brother Tom's trowsers, personating Othello, while Jenny was exhibiting herself as Desde- mona, — Tom's only bargain being, that he was to fire the salute from the batteries at Cyprus, which were ingeniously represented by one of the coppers in the laundry, which was fitted up with battlements, and cannon round its edge, while the active contriver was concealed within, from which ambush he cunningly managed to raise his hand unseen to the touchhole of his small artillery, the first one of which that was fired recoiled with considerable force, and severely wounded the skilful gunner just be- tween his eyes.
Tom bellowed, the girls screamed, and the only thing to be done was to send for Suiggs. Fanny Wells was dreadfully agitated, and was
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58 GURNEY MARRIED.
led to her room by the attentive and assiduous Lieutenant, her sister Bessy following her, but with a far different expression of countenance. All this was unpleasant : but what could I do i It was clear to me that the elder of the young ladies was blessed with what is called a spirit — a lively imagination, and not the most profound veneration for rigid truth. Her ideas were rather of the romantic, and although her igno- rance of the essentials of education were to my eyes and ears apparent, nature had compensated to her for any deficiency of taste or erudition, by giving her a disposition to inquisitiveness upon all matters except those which were likely to be advantageous either to her manners or her morals.
Unfortunately for Kitty she was handsome, and every body was foolish enough to tell her so; which, so long as fortune afforded her a maid and a mirror, was evidently a work of superero- gation. Her sister Jane was her slave, and with a totally different character, temperament, and disposition, compelled to join in pursuits for
GURNEY MARRIED. 59
which she had naturally no inclination, because she literally dared not disobey her senior.
Sniggs arrived in less than half an hour to examine Tom's wounds, and a few minutes after came Kittington, the dancing-master, to receive Cuthbert's commands about the lessons. Harriet, who certainly was not so much affected by the bump on Tom's nose as I apprehended she might have been, sat down to write Mrs. Brandy- ball a letter of invitation ; and while Tom was bellowing like a calf up and down stairs, Fanny Wells sobbing most interestingly, and Jane and Bessy talking over the explosion as something terrific, I was assailed at once in the drawing- room, where Cuthbert was deposited, by the medical opinions of the apothecary, the discussion of terms with the dancing-master, and the hypo- critical sentimentalism of Lieutenant Merman, whom I admit I cordially detested.
" The accident," said Sniggs, " is providen- tially unimportant: an inch one way or the other might have made it serious — right eye — left eye — one or the other might have gone —
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60 GURNEY MARRIED.
but in the middle, between the two eyes, is what I call ' In medio tutissimus Eye bis' — not bad that, Mr. Gurney, considering I am only a pupil myself. The worst effect will be a little dis- colouration of the skin. I'll send up something by way of fomentation, which shall set all to rights : but I would advise you to caution Master Falwasser not to repeat the experiment."
" Certainly, I shall," said Cuthbert. " Fool- ish boy, to take all that trouble to load all those little cannon, and then to get into a copper to fire them. Dear, dear, how indefatigable youth is in the pursuit of pleasure !"
" Ah !" said Sniggs, turning to Mr. Kitting- ton, " good day — how is Mama — lumbago better ? — did not call this morning — used the opodeldoc ? — sister quite well ?"
" Quite well, thank you," said Kittington.
" Well, I'll be off home for the lotion for M;ist<>r Tommy," said Sniggs, "and will look in in the evening to see how he is going on."
Away went Sniggs, with this friendly promise of another visit. I left Cuthbert to settle his
GURNEY MARRIED. 61
schemes with Kittington, to whose presence he felt it necessary to summon his two fascinating daughters-in-law, in order to give him a notion of their peculiar graces. Bessy Wells had been his pupil, so the meeting was no doubt extremely satisfactory to all parties. All I know of it was that at its termination Mr. Kittington was ap- pointed to attend Mondays, Wednesdays, Thurs- days, and Saturdays, and that Merman invited himself not only to be present at the perfor- mances, but to join our family circle on the then present day —
" His custom always in the afternoon."
Well, this was certainly no improvement to my prospects, nor were the comfort and regula- rity of my establishment very much improved by the extraordinary proceedings of Cuthbert, not ordy as regarded his promiscuous invitations to strangers, but as related to the little nick- nackeries in which he was in the habit of revell- ing, himself. After various attempts to describe, through Hutton, the veritable mode of dressing
6*2 GURNEY MARRIED.
a kabob, or sending up a pillau, he went the length of having my cook, — I say my cook, as if, in point of fact, every thing in the house were not his — into the breakfast-room or the drawing-room, if that happened to be " head- quarters" with the ladies, whom he never left; and there instruct her in the arcana of Oriental gastronomy, not theoretically but practically, by superintending in his horizontal position the cuttings and choppings, triturations, amalgama- tions, and all the other botherations which he con- sidered necessary to produce one or two dishes, his partiality for which he attributed to the circumstance of the late Mrs. Cuthbert Gurney having been particularly fond of them.
There really was something in Cuthbert's in- dolence which was extremely trying to the patience, or the activity, or whatever it might be, of those around him. He seemed uncon- sciously to glory in his, to me, melancholy inanition. He certainly was one of those of whom Johnson says, " They boast that they do nothing, and thank their stars that they have
GURNEY MARRIED. 63
nothing to do ; who sleep every night till they can sleep no longer, and rise only to take suffi- cient exercise to enable them to sleep again" — in this particular the likeness failed, for Cuthbert took none — " who prolong the reign of darkness by double curtains, and never see the sun but to tell him how they hate his beams : whose whole labour is to vary the posture of indul- gence, and whose day differs from their night only as a couch or chair differs from a bed."
Well, then came another worry. Harriet, first prejudiced against my poor friend Sniggs by her mother, who certainly entertained a sneaking mistrust of his professional skill, and now, in the case of becoming a mother, still more disinclined to attempt to conquer her dislike, resolved, even if she were to have no medical attendant and certainly to die, not to have Sniggs as her " doc- tor " on the approaching occasion. I ventured to remonstrate, ran over a catalogue of names of the best people in the neighbourhood who em- ployed him ; but all in vain : to her the loss of her infant sister Adelgitha, was light by compa-
8
G4 GURXEY MARRIED.
rison with the anticipation she entertained of his giving a sort of circular description to the good folks of Blissfold of all the circumstances con- nected with her case, whatever it might turn out to be. She afforded me the first proof of a reso- lution to have her own way upon this occasion. But then it was quite reasonable. She had, in the first place, no confidence in his abilities ; and, in the second, she had heard him give relations of the calamities of all our neighbours, in a tone and manner which she dreaded lest he shouldadopt when her own indisposition became the subject of general conversation.
" A newsmonger," says Butler, " is a retailer of rumour, that takes upon trust, and sells as cheap as he buys. He deals in a commodity that will not keep ; for if it be not fresh, although true in its origin, it lies on his hands and will yield nothing. True or false, it is all one to him ; for novelty being the grace of both, a truth grows stale as well as a lie : and as a slight suit will last as well as a better, while the fashion holds, a lie will serve as well as truth, till new ones come up.
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He is little concerned whether it be good or bad, for that does not make it more or less news ; and if there be any difference, he prefers the bad, because it is said to come soonest; for he would willingly bear his share in any public calamity to have the pleasure of hearing and telling it. He tells news, as men do money, with his fingers, for he assures them it comes from very good hands. The whole business of his life is like that of a spaniel, to fetch and carry, and when he does it well he is clapped on the back and fed for it ; for he does not take it altogether, like a gentleman, for his pleasure : but when he lights on a considerable parcel of news he knows where to put it off for a dinner, and quarters himself upon it, until he has eaten it out : and, by this means, he drives a trade, by retrieving the first news to truck it for the first meat in season : and, like the old Roman luxury, ransacks all seas and lands to please his palate."
Such a man Harriet set down Sniggs to bo. And there are certain points upon which a woman must neither be thwarted nor disturbed. Harriet
66 GURNEY MARRIED.
was about to assume a new character in the world — so was I; but then, dear soul, she was so much more personally concerned with the change, that the moment she expressed her de- cided aversion from calling Sniggs into council, I resolved that he should most certainly not be admitted. But, as one likes to live peaceably with his neighbours, and as Sniggs was, I am sure, a kind-hearted man, and, as I believe, an able prac- titioner, I saw at once that the only way to soothe his feelings and moderate his anger at being excluded, would be to send to London for some most extraordinary popular accoucheur, a baronet if possible, but decidedly not below the degree of knighthood, whose unquestioned claims would set to rest in a moment the uneasiness of the Blissfold apothecary, even though the magnate himself had in other days filled a similar situa- tion to his own.
All these things worried me. I have a strong feeling that genius and talent are to be found in thousands of places besides the highest, if one only knew where to hit them ; and that not only
GURNEY MARRIED. 67
in medicine and surgery, but in every art and science in the world, which, without some acci- dental circumstance, some coincidence for which none of us are prepared, to bring them into notice, remain to
" Waste their ' powers ' on the desert air."
In no pursuit is this truth more evident than that of literature. If ever I should have an influence over publishers, — which, since my literary hopes were nipped in the bud by the unequivocal con- demnation of my first and only farce at the Hay- market playhouse, now seven years ago, is not likely, — I would endeavour to impress upon their minds the vast injustice they do, not only to the said genius and talent, but to themselves, in un- equivocally rejecting works by unknown authors. Every author must be at first unknown, and every author must write a first work — unless, indeed, he could adopt the course proposed by an Irish gentleman who wished to learn German. — " The first half-dozen lessons, Sir," said the master, "are tedious, difficult, and disagreeable; but after that.
68 GURNEY MARRIED.
you will begin to appreciate the beauties of the language." — " Then, Sir,*' said Mr. O'Brallaghan , " hadn't we better begin with the seventh ? "
One of the strongest proofs that genius must triumph without the aid of a name, is to be found in the anonymous publication of " Waverly." Of the author of " Waverly," when it first ap- peared, who knew anything? Not a human be- ing supposed that this leader of the most splen- did course of fiction that ever graced the annals of our literature would have been rejected — most probably unread — because it bore no known writer's name on its title-page ! The supposi- tion is perfectly natural. Such things happen every day, as injudiciously as unjustly; and sure I am, that, if I were a writer enjoying a consi- derable share of popularity, derived more perhaps from good fortune than merit, I should be the first to endeavour to overturn this system of ex- clusion, and give every man or woman of talent (equal in all probability to my own, although kept in obscurity by adverse circumstances) a fair chance of starting in the race, if not for fame, at
GUHNEY MARRIED. 69
least for that which, in these mercenary days, is perhaps a more substantial reward for their labours.
However, able or not, skilful or a bungler, wise or foolish, my wife will not have Sniggs ; so I must look out.
In the course of the afternoon, peace was per- fectly re-established, and Cuthbert, quite over- come by the effort of hearing Sniggs's scientific description of Tom's accident, and making his arrangements with Mr. Kittington, was reclining on the sofa, with Kitty sitting rubbing his ancles, and Jenny bathing his temples with what his man Hutton called " O go along," meaning thereby " Eau de Cologne." Tom, with his head dressed like Cupid, but in every other respect looking like an imp, was seated at a table thumbing over a book, which he affected to be reading, and Fanny Wells was occupied in painting a rose upon the top of a paper card-box.
" Well," said I, as I entered the room, " the invitation to Mrs. Brandy ball is gone — arc you pleased, Kitty?"
70 GURNEY MARRIED.
" Oh yes, uncle," said Kitty, " it will make her so good-natured to us when we go back."
" Ah, poor things," said Cuthbert, " they have enough to do when they are at school. Oh dear ! Well, Gilbert, I have settled about the dancing. He can come very early in the morning twice a-week, and about the middle of the day on the other two days ; but he seems to think you must have the carpet taken up in the drawing-room. They can't do their — what does he call them ? — some of the steps — on a carpet. So I told him I thought it would take great labour to do that; but Hutton says that he, and James, and the coachman, can take it up in an hour."
" Yes," said I, not quite gratified at the pro- posal of uncarpeting the best room in my house, and converting it into a dancing-school; the more especially as it joined our own bed-room, and as the early lessons might in some degree interfere with Harriet's morning slumbers. However, I said yes.
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" What a nice little foot Mr. Kittinpfton lias got !" said Kitty Fahvasser, as she rubbed, as I thought with an air of invidious comparativeness, those of Cuthbert.
" Law, my dear child," said Fanny, " how came you to notice that ?"
" I'm sure I don't know, cousin," said Kitty ; " I always look at gentlemen's feet. He is a very nice man altogether I think, and so does cousin Bessy."
Yes, thought I, and you are a very nice young lady; however, the holidays don't last for ever.
" He is quite a swell," said Tom, looking out from under the bandage which Sniggs had ap- plied to his darkening eyes.
Charming boy, said I to myself.
" Much smarter than the chap as teaches at Doctor Brusher's."
" Tom," said I, " what sort of a master is the doctor ?"
" He's a rum-un to look at," said Tom ; " a hold chap and wears a wig, all fuzzy out,
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and we sticks pens hinto hit, whichever on us his behind im hat lesson time."
" Is he much in school himself?" said I.
" Not a great deal," said Tom ; " he's a good deal hover at the White Art ; he's a dab at bil- liards, and e's halmost halways hat hit: yet e wollops hus like sacks if he kitches us playing marvels for hanythink."
" Are there many boys at the school ?" said I, marvelling myself at the style of Tom's lan- guage and his mode of pronunciation, of which, as he was always, till the recent accident, some- where out of sight playing with gunpowder, I had not had any great previous experience.
" Ow many ?" said Tom, " heighty-height last alf."
" Are you kept very hard at work, my dear boy ?" said Cuthbert, looking at him with a mingled expression of affection and compassion, which to me appeared most absurd.
" Oh, yes, Pa," said Tom, " I believe so too ; we get hup at six — too minutes hallowed to dress — then down to prayers. Billy Dixon
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gabbles them over fast enough, I can tell you. Old Brusher don't get hup imself so nearly."
" And who is Billy Dixon, dear?" said Cuth- bert, in a tone of enquiry so pathetic, that, although he was my brother, I could scarcely help laughing.
" Billy Dixon," said Tom, " is one of the hushers : is name is Williams. All the chaps calls him Billy Dixon, just as they calls Opkins, the Hinglish husher, Snob. E reads the prayers ; then we as to say the lessons what we learnt hover night ; then them as is igh hup, does Hugh Clid and Matthew Mattocks. I'm not Inn them yet. And we does ciphering till height; then we breakfasts, and after that, we goes into the back yard and washes our ands and faces ; then hout agin into the play-ground till ten ; then in agin till twelve : hout till dinner at one."
" And do you live well, my poor boy ?" said Cuthbert.
" Lots of grub," said Tom, " sich as it is. Sundays we has baked beef — long, bony bits — hunderdone — and plenty of ard pudden ; Satur-
VOL. I. E
74 GURNEY MARRIED.
days, scrapings and stick-jaw. Hobliged to bolt all the fat, else we kitches toko. They gives us swipes for dinner and supper, with cheese as ard as hiron, hand as black has my at ; but they tells us it's olesome."
" And does Dr. Brusher," said I, curious to ascertain the advantages which Tom derived from the tuition of so able a man, in return for sixty pounds a-year, and no extras — " does the Doctor attend much to your general conduct ?"
" Yes," said Tom ; " he reads lectures to us, and hexamines us in the hevenings."
" But I mean with regard to your manners and conversation," said I.
" Bush — he be smoked !" said Tom. " If E was to hinterfere with our big boys, they'd
' Send him to the chimney top to fetch away the bacon.' '
" What a droll creature you are !" said Cuth- bert.
" Mother Bopps is very good-natured to some
of the little chaps," continued the communicative
pupil.
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" And who may she be ?" said Fanny Wells.
" Oh ! Mother Brusher," said Tom ; " but
only we halways calls her Bopps. I don't
know why ; — hit's halways bin so, afore I went."
" Ay, it is the nature of women to be kind,"
said Cuthbert, sighing.
" She takes care," said Tom, " that we wash
our faces and ands Saturday nights, to be all
nice and clean for church on Sunday morning."
" But I presume," said I, " you repeat your
ablutions when you get up ?"
" No we "don't," said Tom ; " we repeat the Colic of the day — the little uns does Cathekiss. As for our feet, we as 'em washed once a quarter."
" And in what," said I, perfectly astonished at the erudition, delicacy, and cleanliness of my young connexion, " in what does the Doctor examine you ?"
" In the front parlour," said Tom. " No," said I ; " but I mean upon what sub- jects?"
" Oh !" said Tom ; " E hasks hus hall man-
e 2
C(
..
76 GURNEY MARRIED.
ner of rum questions hout of istory or the Dix- onary."
" Well, now, shall / ask you some ?" said I.
" Oh, don't give the poor boy any trouble in the holidays, Gilbert," said Cuthbert ; " he is home for relaxation and amusement."
" Oh, but hi likes hit, Pa," said Tom.
" So do I," said Kitty ; " I like to be ex- amined. I have got two medals and ' Thomson's Seasons,' for prizes in jography."
" Well," said I, " Kitty, you shall join our class." So, taking up the newspaper which (as newspapers will do,) happened to lie upon the table, I asked my fair young friend where the Mediterranean was ?
" In Asia, uncle," said Kitty, without the slightest hesitation.
" Oh, you fool !" said Tom ; " hi knows bet- ter than that; it's in America."
" But how do you get into it, Kitty?" said I.
" Through Bchring's Straits," answered the young lady.
I stared, smiled, and proceeded.
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" What is a quadruped, Tom ?" said I.
" A large fish," replied Tom.
" That it an't, Tom," said Kitty. « I know what it is : it is an animal that runs upon the ceiling, with a great many legs."
Whether Cuthbert was himself not more en- lightened than his dear daughter and son-in-law, or whether he thought it too much trouble to set them right, I don't pretend to say ; he looked perfectly satisfied, and I thought it not worth while to endanger his repose by questioning the accuracy of their answers.
" Jenny, dear," said I to the simple creature, " what is a pedagogue ?"
" A place to put statues in, uncle," said fair innocence.
" I wonder," said Kitty, " how you come to know that so well — somebody must have told you — I could not have guessed it."
" What king of England," said I to Kitty, " reigned immediately before George the First ?"
" Before him ?" said Kitty ; " George the Second, uncle."
e3
78 GURNEY MARRIED.
" Bush," said Tom, " how could that be, you fool ? he reigned after im. I guess oo hit was that reigned directly afore him."
" Who ?" said I.
" Heddud the Fifth," said Tom.
" It is unlikely," said I, reading from the newspaper, " that the French minister will be able to cajole the emperor into such a measure." " What does cajole mean ?"
" To kill a man," said Tom.
" Well," said I, " I won't bore you any more, for your Pa is getting sleepy ; but what are you, Tom — animal, vegetable, or mineral ?"
" I am a vegetable," said Tom.
" Then," said I, " what is a cauliflower?"
" A mineral," said Tom.
" I know I'm an animal," said Kitty.
Yes, thought I, my dear ; and rather a strange one too.
If this examination were written to meet the public eye, the reader would fancy its absurdities too gross to bear even the semblance of probabi- lity ; but, nevertheless, I have put down this
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portion of it, verbatim from the lips of the hope- ful children with whom my house is so elegantly furnished.
" How soon an accident happens," said Cuth- bert, gravely raising himself in his usual manner on one elbow, and looking at Tom — " that dear boy might have lost his sight by the blow of that cannon. I'm sure I never see any thing of the kind without thinking of the day my poor dear father and I were coming down Shooter's Hill — near that Severndroog place, and the horses took fright at something in the road, and "
" Yes, Pa," said Kitty, " but then they stop- ped of themselves when they got to the bottom of the hill. You see I never forget any thing you tell me."
" Dear girl," said Cuthbert, making a sort of kissatory motion with his lips, to which Kitty immediately responded, by leaving his feet, and conferring on him a chaste and filial salute.
" I fancy," said I, " it is getting on for din- ner-time. Who dines here ? — does anybody know ?"
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80 GURNEY MARRIED.
" I asked the Nubleys," said Cuthbert, " but they can't come."
" And Harriet has asked Mr. Merman," said Fanny.
"And I begged dear Bessy to stop," said Kitty.
" And I think," said Fanny, " Harriet has in- vited Ma, because Pa dines at Lord Fussbo- rough's."
Well, thought I, this sounds to my ears very much as if I had painted over my door — " An ordinary here at six o'clock every day, Sundays not excepted ;" or rather, as if I were the keeper of a table d' hutc, at which, as hate, I was permitted to preside, rather as an accommodation to the company in the way of carving, than as being master of the house.
These were minor evils, but I could not, without pain and apprehension, witness the grow- ing power and influence of the three alien chil- dren of the late Mr. Falwasser over my kind- hearted placid brother. Upon every occasion, before and since his return from India, he had practically evinced his affection and regard for
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Hie, and I am the last person in the world to be jealous of any kindness or liberality which he may feel inclined to bestow upon others ; but in this case he seemed to me to be entailing upon himself a responsibility of which he himself was not aware, and to sustain which he was physically as well as morally incapable.
When Kitty grew to be sixteen or seventeen — or rather when she became sixteen or seven- teen, for she had grown in outward appearance to that age already — it was clear to me that with her character and disposition, her unflinching adherence to any favourite point until she had carried it, joined to a consciousness of the power she actually possessed over Cuthbert, she would lead him into all sorts of difficulties, against which he had not sufficient strength of mind to contend. Of course I was not constantly with them, and they were frequently alone, or perhaps with Jane as a third ; and it is easy to imagine that entirely freed from restraint — although I must admit she never appeared much gene'd by either my pre- sence or that of Harriet — she spoke her mind and
E 5
82 GURNEY .MARRIED.
expressed her wishes with a sincerity and decision proportionate to Cuthbert's acknowledged affec- tion for the children, and his gradually increasing concessions.
I repeat, I am not jealous of this ; but I am not blind to the eifect of the influence of these young people, who, although as I have ascertained, lamentably ignorant of the rudiments of educa- tion, are — at least I speak particularly of Kitty — full of low worldly cunning. I perceive in Cuthbert's manner to my wife less tenderness of feeling, less regard for her comforts, less defer- ence to her wishes, than it exhibited previous to their invasion of my territory — if mine it can be called ; and Harriet herself, I am sure, is sensible of the change, although she is too kind even to hint such a thing to me.
I must struggle with these feelings — I find myself growing irritable and querulous — I am not master of my own house. — Aye, there it comes again — is it my own house ? Surely, while that is the question, Cuthbert should more care- fully than anybody else in the world prevent my
GURNEY MARRIED. 83
feeling how much I owe him, and how dependent, in point of fact, I am upon him. I must, how- ever, check the growing dislike I feel for Kitty — her manner, her conversation, are repugnant to my notions of the attributes of anything so young ; it seems to me that every suggestion she makes is founded upon calculation — every look at Cuthbert is studied — her dress, regulated gene- rally by bad taste, is ill suited to her age, if not to her figure ; and the very slip-off of her frock from the top of her left shoulder, meant to seem accidental and look negligent, is the result of a study of her attractions, which she fancies in- creased by the display. And yet this miniature Machiavel, who is at this moment leading Cuth- bert about like a child, purposes to get into the Mediterranean through Behring's Straits, and tells us gravely that a quadruped is an animal that runs upon the ceiling with a great many legs. It is wonderful to see how much Nature has done for her, and how little, Art. To my mind, however, bipeds are more likely to interest her
E 6
84 GURNEY MARRIED.
attention than quadrupeds at a not much later period of her life.
Dinner came — Mr. Wells came — the Lieute- nant came — Tom dined at table because the ex- plosion had lost him his regular dinner — and, for the first time, the two young ladies. I said nothing, but looked at Harriet, who made me understand in a moment that Cuthbert had de- sired it. We were crowded, and the girls had dined before ; and Cuthbert, I thought, saw, not exactly that I was annoyed, but surprised, at the new arrangement ; for he presently mentioned that, as poor Tommy had had no dinner, he had told Hutton to tell the butler to lay a cover for him ; and that when he had done so, Kitty had said it would be very dull for her and Jane to be by themselves, and that she did not mind where she sat; "and," added he, "so I have put her close by me." And there they did sit, and so did / — not much satisfied with what I saw, but cer- tainly not anticipating the coming events of tin- evening.
CHAPTER III.
I am perfectly sure that the growth of affection, so generally admitted to be the inevitable result of juxtaposition and constant association between those whose tastes accord, whose feelings assimi- late, and whose habits and principles are conge- nial, is neither so rapid nor so decided as the progress of dislike when once the sentiment has taken hold of one. I felt as I sat carving a huge haunch of mutton, which in our moderate esta- blishment still maintained its place at head- quarters, unbanished to the side-table, that I really was nothing more than purveyor to the party, and likened myself to one of those inouii-
86 GURNEY MARRIED.
tains of flesh who were wont to cut slices from huge rounds of beef in a shop at the corner of St. Martin's-court, and sell them —
" To every passing villager."
There were seven or eight people to be helped to mutton, — of which seven or eight, my wife and brother were the only two who had any legitimate claim to places at the table. It is all very true Mrs. Wells is a very nice woman, but even she, I think, interferes more than is neces- sary in my domestic affairs, and seems to impress upon Harriet's mind that the mode in which matters are managed at the Rectory is the only system to be adopted and adhered to all over the world. I hate boiled pork, — so does Harriet, — a parsnip is my aversion, it reminds me of a sick carrot. No matter — Mrs. Wells has instilled into her daughter's mind the necessity of having certain prescribed joints and dishes on certain particular days in the week; and accordingly it was but yesterday that I was taken by surprise with an odious leg of boiled pork, accompanied by a mixture resembling nothing but a dab of
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yellow plaster for a wall, which they call pease- pudding.
To-day was mutton day, of which fact I was fully aware long before dinner-time. My pre- decessor at Ashmead could not endure the smell of the dishes he was destined afterwards to taste, and accordingly consulted one of our most emi- nent architects upon the construction of his kit- chen. The kitchen was built under the direction of the modern Vitruvius at the extremity of a long passage divided by double doors, and ven- tilated in the middle by a sort of open turret, which was to render the whole affair unsmell- able. The result is that the servants, who are continually passing and repassing along this pas- sage, invariably fasten, or as they call it " trig," both doors back, in order to save themselves the trouble of shutting or opening them ; my cook, who dreads the rheumatism, fastens up the flap- pers of the turret; and the consequence is, that the north-easterly wind, which gets into the kit- chen on the other side, blows the whole flavour of the feast, right through this kind of funnel,
10
88 GURNEY MARRIED.
into the hall and house generally, but more par- ticularly into the dinner-room itself, from which the door to the offices opens directly into the passage.
Cuthbert, who looks like parchment, and smells like a Japan cabinet, is perfectly indiiferent to every inconvenience that does not compel him to move. If he get his curry done to his liking, — the light yellow Moorman's curry, with pickles ; and his promiscuous kabobs, in which he revels at breakfast, or his occasional pillau, — he is content ; although on the days when the flavour of mutton does not supersede every other scent, the whole place is redolent of oriental condiments. Kissing Kitty is a venial offence as far as her father-in-law is concerned, but it makes me sick to see him feeding her with his own spoon at table, picking her out little nice bits of sweet- meats, and then making her " sweeten his glass," before he drinks his wine. Well, a fortnight more and the holidays will be over, and then some- thing like order will be restored here.
I had concluded the round of feeders, and
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helped myself, and was beginning to make pre- parations for eating my dinner, when, just as I had got a morsel on my fork, and while it hung, Mahomet-like, midway between my plate and my mouth, its progress was suddenly stayed by Cuthbert.
" Gilbert," said he, " here is a young lady who will trouble you for a bit more, — that which you sent her before is hardly enough done; just turn the haunch over, and cut her a little slice — under — there — I cannot point out the place ex- actly— where it's brown : Kitty is like her pappy, she likes her meat well done; don't you, dear? ';
" I like whatever you like, Pa," said the young lady.
" Hyaena," said I to myself, as I essayed for the third time to turn the unwieldy joint, a trial of my skill and patience which ended in its slipping from my hold, and toppling down into the midst of its gravy, of which it made a sudden dispersion, producing an effect similar to that of one of Shrapnell's shells upon a small scale ; and I confess I was rather pleased than vexed when 1
90 GURNEY MARRIED.
saw a considerable portion of the lava-like liquid fly from the dish into the face of the odious Tom Falwasser, who received the aspersion with the worst imaginable grace, and the worst possible philosophy.
" Bush," cried the savage; " ain't I cotched it now ? I say, Pa, my heye is hout."
" Poor boy ! " said Cuthbert, " Ah, that's it; misfortunes never come alone, — my fault — dear me ! Oh, Gilbert, don't trouble yourself," and so on, until he had persuaded the yahoo that he was wretchedly persecuted, and induced Miss Falwasser to give me a look, such as she would have bestowed upon my butler, if by any accident he had utterly spoiled her sky-blue silk dress, by spilling half a plate of soup on it, in handing it over her shoulder.
I was in a bad humour, and yet those who know me, have always fancied it would take a great deal to drive me into one. As Caleb Quo- tem says, in his song in the admirable farce of the " Review," —
" Many small articles make up a sum."
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And upon the present occasion the truth of the line was most painfully evident to me inasmuch as it was a combination of little irritations by which I was affected. Harriet seemed unaccount- ably lively ; and she and Fanny had some joke between them and that odious red-fisted Lieuten- ant Merman. I hate him more and more every day. What is it — what has soured my temper ?
I was asking myself this question seriously, for the third or fourth time, just as the second course had been removed — if second course, a brace of pheasants at one end of the table, some sea kale at the other, and some pastry and jellies at the sides, could be so called : and I felt a certain degree of relief from the cessation of a duty with which, I admit, mingled very little pleasure — when I heard the sound of carriage wheels approaching the house door. That sound suddenly ceased, and a peal on the bell set the house itself ringing.
Everybody looked amazed. We expected nobody. The Nubleys were not coming. Wells could not have left the Earl's so early ; we all
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were astounded, save and except my brother Cuthbert, and that minx Kitty, who, when we were all staring at each other, in " amazement lost," said to her " Pa," loud enough for me to hear, " I shouldn't wonder if it was"
What these ominous words portended, I could not venture to surmise ; but my astonishment and dismay were not exceedingly small, when I saw my brother's man Hutton enter the room, and, proceeding to Miss Kitty, whisper something in her ear, and beheld her, after giving Cuth- bert a pat on the arm, jump up from her chair, and run out of the room, followed by Jane, to whom she made a signal, into the hall, where, in a few moments, the noise of the laughing and giggling of girls and women, and the barking of dogs resounded.
In the midst of my amazement — in Ireland it would have been alarm — at the invasion of my house at so unusual an hour, in bounced Miss Kitty, who, running to Cuthbert, exclaimed with a look of triumphant sauciness, " It is her."
" Where is she ?" said Cuthbert.
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" Gone up with Jane into our room to take off her things," said Kitty ; and, turning to my wife, who looked petrified at the performance in pro- gress, added, " it's only Mrs. Brandyball, dear."
Dear ! to my wife ! — only Mrs. Brandyball !
" Why," said I, " she cannot have got our letter."
" No," said Cuthbert, "but I can explain that. Kitty had said she was sure you would be glad to see her on her way back— and so — I hadn't time to mention — this — before, but "
" It makes no difference," said I. " Harriet, dear, hadn't you better just see "
" Oh no !" said Miss Falwasser, interrupting ; " don't hurry, because dear governess has got something to tell me all to myself, and I'll go up and keep her company till you go into the drawing-room." Saying which, and seeming perfectly satisfied that her proposal for the arrangement was in fact a Jiat, she proceeded unchecked by anybody to fulfil her intentions.
" This is quite a surprise," said Harriet, looking, as I thought, a little ruffled by the
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event — " did you know Mrs. Brandyball was coming to-day, cousin?"
" Why," said Cuthbert, " I don't exactly recollect what dear Kate said about it — I know she told me that when she heard from Mrs. Bran- dyball, she seemed to wish to know whether her coming here would be agreeable to you — and then, as far as I can recollect, Kate told me that she wished you to send her an invitation, as if it originated with yourself — so that she might not feel a difficulty in accepting the one she had given her; however, as she is come, all the trouble of writing to her to ask her might have been saved. Tommy, dear, pick up my tooth- pick— eh — ah."
" I did not know," said I ; for I confess the tact of Miss Falwasser in her manoeuvrings was any thing but soothing — " 1 did not know that Kitty had heard from the lady."
" Yes," said Cuthbert, " one day last week, 1 think."
" 1 didn't see the letter amongst ours," said I.
" No," said Cuthbert, " Kate's maid always
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goes down to the servants' hall when the letters come, to see if there are any for her ; it saves us the trouble of sending them up to her after we get up — ah !"
All this sounded odd — there appeared a kind of precocity in her measures which did not tend in the slightest degree to exalt the opinion of the young lady's character or disposition which I had previously formed, and Cuthbert evidently saw what was passing in my mind.
" You know," added he, " the children are up long before we are — so that there is no reason why Kwte should wait to get any letter which comes for her till we go to breakfast."
"None in the least," said I: "only I was not prepared to hear that so young a lady main- tained an independent correspondence."
" Yes," said Cuthbert, " her poor dear mother was always an advocate of freedom from re- straint; and, besides, if the poor child were obliged to write those difficult pattern answers she would be tired to death — indeed, she can't bear any thing of the sort, but when she writes
96 GURNEY MARRIED.
of herself, if she does not spell every word exactly right, still she speaks her own sentiments and opinions. I am a great friend to leaving the mind all free."
" Well, Fanny," said Harriet, rousing her sister from a whispering tete-a-tete with her odious lieutenant, "when you are at leisure, perhaps Mamma would like to go to the drawing-room."
" Law, Harry !" said Fanny, blushing, " I am sure I'm ready to go whenever she pleases."
And up they got and away they went. I took Harriet's vacated seat and arranged the bottles.
" Sad accident has happened," said Merman, " to a brother officer of mine, Jukes, of ours. He was riding in the Park the day before yester- day, his horse ran away with him, and threw him, and he has broken his leg and two or three of his ribs. It would be deuced hard if he were to die, for he only purchased his company a fortnight since."
"That's sad work," said Cuthbert ; "just
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give me a little claret, Gilbert — there — thanks. — By the way, I don't know if I ever told you of a most formidable-looking accident that happened to me a vast many years ago, when my poor father and I were travelling in a postchaise down Shooter's Hill, just where the place built like Severndroog is "
" Bush, Pappy," said Tom, who had watched Cuthbert with considerable anxiety thus far, "you ave told hus that story hevery day this olidays. You should ear sister Kate tell it, just for all the world like you "
" Does she, my boy ?" said Cuthbert; "how odd that is ! Her poor dear mother had a strong turn for imitation. I didn't remember I had ever told Lieutenant Merman that story, — but wasn't it a miraculous escape? — we must have been dashed to pieces, if the horses had not stopped of themselves."
Lieutenant Merman, who evinced, by a look at me, his perfect intimacy with the catastrophe, then occupied at least three-quarters of an hour in relating a case of great hardship, in which
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it appeared that a Captain Dobbington had lodged his money for the majority of his regiment, and that Captain Winnowmore had been appointed — and that Lieutenant-colonel Somebody had died — and that the commander of the forces had done Dobbington a great injustice, and so had the ad- jutant-general, and the quarter-master-general — and so had the secretary at war, and the pay- master of the forces, and the judge-advocate- general, and the general commanding the regiment, and, as far as I could collect, the Arch- bishop of Canterbury. However, Mr. Grub and Mr. Snob, two staunch redressors-general of all human wrongs, were to bring the case before the House of Commons the very first week <>t the next session, it being one of such importance, that the eyes of the whole army were directed to it, and the feelings of the whole nation in a con- sequent state of ebullition.
I listened ; and at the conclusion of the details said I had not heard any thing of it through the public papers ; and when I turned to Cuthbert, I found he was fast asleep, with his snuff-box
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still in his hand, but reversed, as the heralds would say, and the snuff " absent without leave," as the Lieutenant would have said, on the carpet. Not liking to rouse him from the soft slumber in which he was, like another Chrononhotontholo- gos, " unfatiguing himself," I pushed the wine again to Merman, who thinking, I suppose, that my doing so was an encouraging hint to resume his lamentations, continued to enlarge upon the infamous job which had been done, until the slum- berer awoke.
In my mind there does not exist in the world a more anomalous character than a Radical officer of the army or the navy. — Pledged as they are to defend the king and country against all foes, foreign and domestic, and always eager to redeem that pledge
" E'en in the cannon's mouth," nothing can seem more extraordinary — I should say, perhaps, more disgusting — than to hear these members of the noble services to which they belong giving utterance to sentiments, the expression of which by any man not belonging to
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either, would at once stamp him for a disloyal and disaffected subject. It is always to me a convincing proof of great weakness or great wickedness. If they believe that the radical reform, of which they speak so enthusiastically, means any thing short of eventual revolution, the former is their misfortune. If with their eyes open to the ulterior results, they advocate the course which leads to them, and laud the men who uphold it, the latter is their crime ; and in either case respect for themselves and society should keep them silent ; for, as they are bound to fight for the existing order of things, and in the case of any outbreak, would in doing their duty be compelled to oppose and overthrow it, thei own previous proclamations, that what they did was contrary to their opinions and principles, would add but little to their reputation for sin- cerity, or their character for independence.
Merman's long tale having been quite un- folded, and Cuthbert awakened to the loss of his snuff, I suggested a removal to the draw- ing-room, anxious, I admit, to see the Minerva
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under whose fostering auspices two such pro- mising girls as my pseudo-nieces were fast com- ing to maturity.
Cuthbert did not appear to evince any parti- cular desire to greet the lady, which led me to think that his anxiety to show her civility had originated entirely in his devotion to his daughter-in-law. However, having got Lieute- nant Merman to ring the bell for Hutton to come and fetch his snuff-box to be refilled, and then to wheel him across the hall to the edge of his couch in the drawing-room, we proceeded to an inspec- tion of the all-accomplished Mrs. Brandyball.
I found her seated on one of the sofas between her young pupils. She was a plumpish dressy woman, of about fifty-four or five, with a florid countenance, and coal-black hair, which, upon the established principle of meum and tuum, was unquestionably her own ; above which she wore a capacious white bonnet, decorated with flowers, which would have made Lee and Kennedy jealous, and have driven Colville mad : chains and ri.Mofs adorned her neck and fingers, and although en
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deshabille for travelling, she was quite as fine as need be.
Upon Cuthbert's arrival, the two girls leaped from the musnud, and while Mrs. Brandyball tired him to death with the most affectionate in- quiries after his health, Kate stood kissing his fore- head and Jane holding one of his hands. After this ceremony had been gone through, Cuthbert look- ing anxiously after me, pointed to the lady, and said, in a subdued tone of voice, " Gilbert, allow me to introduce Mrs. Brandyball."
I made the aimable with the best grace I could, and expressed myself extremely glad to see her at Ashmead, — hoped she had had some refresh- ment, and suggested that we should have some supper early, since she had missed our dinner- hour by her late arrival.
" Thank you, Mr. Gurney," said my fair friend, in a tone of voice suitable to a girl of sixteen performing on the stage, " for your deli- cate attention ; but I would not for worlds dis- arrange the economy of your establishment, nor is it in any degree necessary ; for owing to the
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amiable solicitude of these dear children, I have been supplied with every necessary refreshment since my arrival in your charming mansion."
'* Have you ?" said I ; "I am very glad to hear it."
" Yes," continued the lady ; " dear Katharine, anxious to evince a regard, which is truly reci- procal, desired the domestics to arrange a little repast in her own apartment, and I found abundance of every thing to gratify the appetite, elegantly disposed for my accommodation — in- teresting creatures ! It is most satisfactory to a solicitous preceptress to discover in acts of kind- ness and consideration like these, the delightful evidence of affection, resulting perhaps in the present instance from a strict adherence to the principle, that where kindness governs in the place of anger, the pupil always receives instruc- tion with gratitude."
This euphonic oration startled me, not only by its manner but its matter. The woman appeared to me to have swallowed half a score of her own copy-books, the examples in which she was now
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delivering out of her lips : but this being merely ridiculous, I thought I might be amused by her absurdity. What really did startle me was the coolness with which the interesting Katharine had given her orders for preparing a snug din- ner for her high-flying schoolmistress in herxoom, without inquiring of me or Harriet whether she might do so or not. Nor was this all, for under Hutton's directions, my butler, it seems, had furnished forth wines " of sorts" for the banquet, of which — I speak it with diffidence and reserve — it appeared to me that my fair friend had im- bibed no very inconsiderable quantity.
" I have been just expressing to Mrs. Gur- ney," said Mrs. Brandyball, " the sentiments of admiration which I entertain for the beauties of this vicinage ; it was so late when I arrived, that the shades of evening had thrown their mantle over the beauties of Nature ; it was, however, impossible not to perceive by the outlines of the surrounding scenery how very beautiful it must be in a more genial season of the year."
" I think," said I, " you flatter us too much :
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the country about us is very pretty, but-
" Oh," said the lady, smiling her best, " my opinion is, that courtesy should ever be accom- panied with candour ; and although { to err is human, to forgive divine,' as far as I am ca- pable of forming a judgment upon such sub- jects, I think the drive from the coast hither- wards is quite charming."
" I hope," said I, " that we shall improve your favourable impression during your stay."
" I have explained to Mrs. Gurney," said Mrs. Brandyball, " the cause of my somewhat premature appearance here. I really entertain so sincere a regard — I might almost denominate it a maternal affection — for these two dear creatures, that I ventured in some measure to overstep the ordinary regulations of society by accepting my dear Katharine's invitation ; but, as I say, affectation is at best but a deformity, and conciliatory manners command esteem — so that when the dear girl wrote to beg me to come, 1 came without reflecting how much perhaps I ventured to intrude."
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I bowed — though it was evident that Kitty, in the course of the second dinner in what this eloquent lady called her apartment, had ex- plained to her the whole of the manoeuvre which had failed, with regard to the invitation which was to have been sent to her.
" Oh, Mr. Gurney," continued the lady, " ' a good education is the foundation of happiness, and ignorance is the parent of many injuries,' and this I say, because a good maxim is never out of season. Now I have had these dear crea- tures under my care five years, nay, more — the course of Time is so rapid, and I may say so im- perceptible, in fact like the varied movements of the vast universe, that one is unconscious of its flight — and I declare that I never have had the smallest reason to find fault with either of them — as I say, perfect idleness is perfect weariness, and of all prodigality that of time is the worst. Defer not till to-morrow what you can do to- day ; indeed I find lazy folks take the most pains — but I do assure you that my two young charges appear to me to possess a felicitous
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mixture of talent and genius, with a desire to improve their natural advantages by a sedulous devotion to the more abstruse studies."
Studies, thought I — of quadrupeds running about upon the ceiling, with a great many legs — or of geography, sailing into an Asiatic Medi- terranean through Behring's Straits however,
I saw what my florid, black-haired lady was, in a moment, and felt not the slightest indis- position to amuse myself with the animal rouge et noir. Besides, as Cuthbert and the people he called his children were to be pleased by any attention paid to our newly-arrived guest, I resolved to put a good face on the matter, convinced that the fine language of my new friend was only plating, and that after a day or two we should scrape our way to the real material.
I was somewhat relieved from the overflow of Mrs. Brandyball's loquacity by Harriet, who, 1 suppose, saw that I had had enough of it, — to use a phrase which the euphonic lady never would
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have adopted, — and who came to remind me that Cnthbert was looking whistfully for his whist — the hint was enough ; and I began to make up his little party by inquiring if Mrs. Brandyball would like to cut in.
" No, my dear Sir," said the fascinating Hedgehog; " I invariably decline card-playing. Malice never wants a mark to shoot at; and, although regarding the subject with an unpre- judiced eye, I see really no moral interdiction to such a relaxation, I think it better not to gra- tify myself by an amusement which the rigid might censure ; I feel it is always right to comply with cheerfulness where necessity en- joins; so, as every condition has its troubles, I give up upon principle what might, in the esti- mation of the liberal portion of mankind, be consi- dered little else than a relief from mental labour." The effort she made to decline the whist was as palpable as that which an ill-bred child makes to say, " No, I thank you," when asked to eat or drink something which he or she particularly
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wishes for, but has been taught by some vulgar person to refuse as a matter of delicacy.
Mrs. Wells and I played against Cuthbert and Harriet ; Merman of course " sat out" with Fanny; and Mrs. Brandyball enjoyed herself amazingly with the two girls, who sat on either side of her, soaking their hands in hers.
This was dull work for the new arrival, I presume; but, luckily for all parties, Sniggs dropped in to look at Tom's wounds, which were very parliamentarily divided between the eyes and nose. When he came half stepping half bounding into the room, the vivacious Brandy- ball seem quite astounded. I heard Kitty put her to rights in a moment. " The apothecarry," said Kate; and immediately Brandyball drew herself up, and looked hatchets and carvino-- knives at him.
" Been to see Master Tom," said Snip-ifs, who had visited the lout in his room, to which he had been conveyed under the orders of his sister, who had no desire to be bored with his society after the arrival of her governess, although
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she would have so much missed his company at dinner. " All going on well — slight discolour- ation— gone by to-morrow — pulse good — tongue clean — every thing as it should be — shocking affair, Mr. Gurney — have you heard ? — Hawkins, the butterman, has bolted — off to America — al- ways suspicious — martyr to hepatitis — wife pretty woman — attended her in four of her confine- ments— fine familv — troubled a little with rheu- matism — sitting in the parlour with her back to the key-hole — has cheated every body — poor Sims at the Crown is a great loser — bad for him — short neck — determination of blood to the head last Easter — twenty leeches to his temples — brought him round, but no accounting for sudden shocks."
" You have ruffed, or roughed (for I don't know how it is to be spelt) my thirteenth," said Cuthbert to Harriet, who was his partner. The word ruff, or rough, as the case may be, being, as I have discovered, synonymous with trump. As for Harriet, she hated whist, pretty much, perhaps, for the same reason that I do, — because
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1 do not understand it ; — nor would I take the trouble, if I thought I could succeed in the pursuit to its attainment, or devote my time and intellect to a game which no man ought ever to play, except for amusement, because when learned to the best of one's ability, it necessarily involves the fate and fortune, if it be played for money, of a partner.
Harriet was quite shocked at the earnestness with which Cuthbert charged her with this high crime and misdemeanour, nor did either she or her mother feel particularly pleased when Cuth- bert added, " Well, I should think, considering your father is a parson, he might have taught you better." This observation set Mrs. Brandy- ball into a loud fit of laughing, and put me into something very like a rage; but then it was my brother who made the remark, and he was lively, and facetious, and therefore better than usual ; and so I shuffled and sorted my cards, and tried to think of the principle of the game which I was playing, but in which most assuredly I took no interest.
1 1 '2 GURNKY M A R R I E D .
I had hoped, when my brother had exerted him- sufficiently to scold my poor little wife about the unfortunate mistake, that there would have been an end. But no : when the hand was out. Cuthbert. with a gravity tar beyond that which the importance of the affair seemed to require, said — " Harriet, dear, see what that mistake of
its lias done: if in the second round of club>. you had played your nine instead ot your seven. Gilbert's eig-bt would have fallen : and then, when you saw me lead the knave of diamonds through your mother's king, your putting a trump on it was madness : besides, when you had the lead, if you had returned me the spade, which I had shown you in the very first round was my strong suit, we should have got three tricks run- ning, and. then I could have returned you the heart, which must have made two more, because you had ace. king, which, as it was. fell to their trump-.'*
Harriet listened to the lecture patiently, but profited little. I listened, but not patiently. Poor Cuthbert was perfectly serious, and really
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out of sorts ; he was worth a hundred and fifty thousand pounds, and we were playing sixpenny points.
Harriet got tired, — perhaps the scolding did not do her good, — but she was rapidly approaching the period of her confinement, and I saw that she turned pale, and gave me more than one look of exhaustion and weariness ; but it would have been treason to deprive Cuthbert of his prescribed three rubbers, so she played on, and Cuthbert was so keen a player for nothings that he would not allow Harriet and me to play together.
" No," said he, " never, never let man and wife play together at whist. It is too much trouble for me to point out all the things they do ; but, my dear Gilbert, there are always family telegraphs, and if they fancy their looks are watched, they communicate by words. My good fellow," continued he, looking as white as a sheet, and wholly exhausted by the exertion, " at Bun- galapumbungabad, up the country, where I was carried in my palkee to get somebody to look at some indigo which I wanted to buy, I met with
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a Mr. Smigsmag and his wife, — nice woman, upon my word, — I did not cultivate their ac- quaintance much, because he lived more than half a mile from my bungalow, and I was merely a visiter, — but I dined with him once or twice, and we played whist ; and his wife and he always played together ; — oh, dear ! Kitty, give me the eau de Cologne, dear, — isn't she grown, Mrs. Brandyball, eh? — and so — I found out that I never could win against Smigsmag and his wife, — he was a Burrah Saab — a resident — excellent man in his way, — and so — one night I mentioned this to my friend who played with me, and who, being an expectant creature, was obliged to make up their table when asked — I, you know, had nothing to do with John Company, and didn't care a cowrie for all Leadenhall-street put to- gether,— and he said (in confidence of course) to me — ' You never can win of them.' ' Why? ' said I. ' Because,' said he, 'they have established a code.' ' Dear me ! ' said I ; ' what, signals by looks?' ' No,' said he; ' by words. If Mrs. Smigsmag is to lead, Smigsmag says, "Dear, be-
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gin." Dear begins with D, so does diamond, and out comes a diamond from the lady. If he has to lead, and she says " S., my love, play," she wants a spade. Smigsmag and spade begin with the same letter, and, sure enough, down comes a spade. M Harriet, my dear," says Smigsmag, " how long you are sorting your cards." Mrs. Smigsmag stumps down a heart : and a gentle " Come, my love," on either side, infallibly produces a club.' I can't stand these family compacts, Gilbert."
I was delighted to find Cuthbert equal to so much exertion as was required in telling this story, which produced an observation from Sniggs that whatever the Smigsmags gained by tricks they could not make much by their honours. At which Galenic effusion Mrs. Brandyball fell into a fit of laughter, and little Jane, who did not understand in the slightest degree what it meant, shook her flaxen curls like a newly washed poodle.
" I am sorry," said Harriet to Cuthbert, " that you have so bad an opinion of us ; I never should have thought of such a scheme."
" But," said Sniggs, " like the ostler and the
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priest, now you have been told how the matter may be managed, perhaps you will avail your- selves of the information."
" No," said Cuthbert, " I don't suspect them. As for myself, I could not take the trouble to recollect what letter the names of the different suits begin with."
" Shall I," said Mrs. Brandyball, " relieve you from the exertion of arranging your cards? Allow me : many hands make light work. Every con- dition has its troubles ; without a friend, the world is a wilderness !"
Saying which, the officious lady sorted Cuth- bert's hand for him, and resumed her place at his side, Katharine sitting on his left ; and in this fashion we went through the prescribed rubbers, just before the conclusion of which the servants prepared a "tray" in the ante-room, which Sniggs invariably called "an excellent trait in our cha- racter ;" and round which, I must confess, our little party has frequently enjoyed more soci- able mirth than it has partaken of during the whole of the day. Sniggs eyed the arrangements
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with evident satisfaction, and Mrs. Brandyball turned her head, almost instinctively, to the quarter in which the rattling of glasses an- nounced the approach of some agreeable liquid. Merman and Fanny needed neither eatables nor drinkables ; they were living upon themselves, in a distant corner of the room, feeling immeasur- ably happy, and looking inconceivably ridicu- lous.
When the last rubber was ended, much to my relief, not more on my own account than of poor dear Harriet, Cuthbert desired Jane to ring the bell for Hutton, who was wanted to wheel him into his room, in order that his hands and face might be washed with rose-water — an ablution which he seemed to consider indispensably neces- sary at that period of the evening.
Having broken up from our play, I found Kate and Jane still remaining fixtures for supper. However, as it was the night of Mrs. Brandy- ball's arrival — and her arrival at all was matter of compliment to their indulgent father-in-law — there was nothing in that, only they had not
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been in the habit of staying up to supper. Cuth- bert, having been washed, and refreshed, was wheeled back ; and we closed round the table, I, with our new guest on my right hand, and my mother-in-law on my left.
Sniggs sat on Harriet's right, Cuthbert on her left, with Kitty, of course, on his right. I had often heard Sniggs talk of the unwholesomeness of suppers ; and as often seen him eat voraciously of them, as, indeed, many men who have at other times small appetites, trill. Dr. Franklin was one of Sniggs's favourite authors in the way of reference : and as I thought that nothing could be better than bringing the printer to bear upon the 'pothecary, I went to my library for five minutes before Cuthbert's return, and " read up," for an attack upon our Galen, if he should begin his customary depredations upon our eat- ables. There he was, sure enough, " pegging away," as we used to say in my horrid school- days, at cold fowl, salmagundi, roasted oysters, and finishing with a piquante bit of devilled turkey.
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" Well, Doctor," said I (for a brevet degree in a country-place like Blissfold is all fair), " I see you do not exactly practise as you preach."
" None of us do," said Sniggs. " When I was in town last, I dined with three physicians of the starving school, and two surgeons sworn to the Abernethian doctrine. I never saw five men eat or drink so much in the whole course of my life ; and, Mr. Gurney," added my Lampedo, " go where you will, watch the faculty, and you will find them the greatest gormandizers in the empire."
" Yes," said I, " at dinner, perhaps, but not at supper ; recollect what your idol Franklin says :" and then I came out with my quotation. " ' In general, mankind, since the improvement of cookery, eat about twice as much as nature requires. Suppers are not bad, if we have not dined ; but restless nights naturally follow hearty suppers after full dinners. Indeed, as there is a difference in constitutions, some rest well after these meals; it costs them only a frightful dream and an apoplexy, after which they sleep till
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doomsday. Nothing is more common in the newspapers than instances of people who, after eating a hearty supper, are found dead a-bed in the morning.' "
" Correctly quoted by you, Sir," said Sniggs ; " and aptly observed by the Doctor ; but sup- pose, now, I was to tell you that I have had no dinner — fact. — Three hours at Mrs. Humble- man's — case of asthma — bad breathing — great distress — husband wouldn't let me leave her. He himself dyspeptic, with a slight disposition to erysipelas. Mrs. Sniggs did not wait for me — I away to Stephenson the watchmaker's little girl — second — nice child — scarlatina — fancied measles — I with her — cup of black tea, weak, and with dry toast, all I had — here to look at Master Falwasser's dear little nose. What could I do? so I only make up the former defi- ciency of diet."
" It must," said Mrs. Brandyball, " be exceed- ingly excitatory to witness the various afflictions of the different domestic circles into which you are professionally invoked. Experience is the
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mother of science ; and prevention is better than cure. However, the longest day must have an end ; and you must experience a most gratifying sensation when you return to repose, to think- that, perhaps, under Providence, you have been the means of restoring a dear child to a fond parent — for even the crow thinks its own bird the fairest ; and greatness of mind is ever compassionate."
Sniggs, who was not particularly sentimental, and thought more of his pills and his bills than of any other thing in the world, looked at our new friend with an expression of countenance which I thought rather equivocal, the character of which was changed into the broad comic when he perceived her sip somewhat largely from a tumbler, into which she had previously poured some particularly strong brandy, which, it must be admitted, took her by surprise.
Harriet looked at me, and I looked at her ; and we both laughed. I am sure I have no notion why. However, as we had laughed, I thought it was quite absolutely necessary to atone
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for the indiscretion by an extra show of atten- tion : and therefore begged to recommend to her particular notice a cup which the servant had just brought in and put down ; and in which there was something which I thought she would prefer, since it was evident she was a judge.
The mixture which I advocated, was a peculiar sort of punch, really not strong, but rich and agreeable ; and which even Cuthbert, if anybody would take the trouble to pour it out for him, would not object to imbibe.
" Thank you Mr. Gurney," said the lady, " it is never too late to learn ; and although I seldom indulge in such combinations, your kindness is such that I find it quite impossible to resist your delicate attentions. I toill have one glass."
The tumbler was returned, the lady sipped : and smiled, and smiled and sipped again : her eyes approved, even before her tongue had spoken.
" I fear," said Mrs. Brandyball, " the delight- ful weather which we have been enjoying during the last few days is drawing to a close. The
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moon's envelopment in that silvery mist augurs an approaching change, and threatens an acces- sion of cadent humidity."
" Isn't that mist," said Kitty, " what the as- trologers call a hayloft ?"
This was fatal. Cuthbert, who was in a nap, with Kate's arm round his neck, heard it not. Merman was leaning his head on his hand, with his nose within three inches of Fanny's mouth, and heeded it not ; but the eyes of Mrs. Wells, Harriet, Sniggs and myself met. What to do was the doubt of a moment : the strucrple was
Do
ineffectual, and we burst into a fit of loud laughter. Mrs. Brandyball stared, Merman and Fanny were flurried, Kate tittered, and Cuth- bert awoke.
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CHAPTER IV.
It seemed useless to attempt anything like a restoration of order or tranquillity after this ex- plosion about the astrologer and the hay-loft, and equally impossible to explain to Cuthbert, when he was awakened into consciousness, what had actually occurred ; and accordingly Harriet, with an expressive look at me, rose from the table, not exactly as if wishing anybody else to follow her example, but at the same time fully expect- ing that her move would produce an adjourn- ment— nor was she wrong ; for our fair visitor, not exactly knowing the rules and regulations of the family, which were rather lax in the parti- cular of " early to bed and early to rise," imme- diately quitted her scat — having, however, first
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finished her last tumbler of what in common parlance was remarkably strong punch. Kitty, who clung about her with what appeared to me a parasitical affectation of affection, said to her in a tone ill suited, as I thought, to her time of life and position in society —
" Oh, don't go, dear, yet — have another glass. I'm sure it will do you good."
" No, dearest," said Mrs. Brandyball, with one of her angelic smiles ; " I always attend to the dictates of prudence. The draught is nec- tareous, but time wears on, and dear Mrs. Gur- ney is already fatigued."
" Yes, but," said Kitty, " you know you always have three or four glasses at home."
" Never mind, dear love," said Mrs. Brandy- ball, looking furious, endeavouring to free her- self from the girl's embrace, and evidently wishing her — where — it might not be quite decorous here to mention.
The ladies retired ; Mrs. Wells had gone home some time before, Wells having sent the carriage for her from the rectory after it had set
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him down : which violation of his promise to join ns after the early dinner-party broke up, I, perhaps uncharitably, attributed to a want of the forbearance which Mrs. Brandyball had recently exhibited. The adieux of the children and Cuth- bert occupied nearly a quarter of an hour, and during their progress Kate enumerated all the places which she would lionise in the morning with her dear governess ; and having liberally detailed the programme of the performance, com- pletely upset me by telling he?' visitor that it- would take at least a week to see all the things worth seeing in the neighbourhood.
I must do Mrs. Brandyball the justice to say that she endeavoured, or seemed to endeavour, to moderate the energy of her fair pupil ; and by mingling with her smiles, approving of the proposition, sundry deferential looks towards Harriet, who stood " pageing her heels" while the animated Miss Falwasser enlarged upon the loveliness of the coast, and the beauty of the drives, contrived to convey very evidently her feeling that the whole of the young lady's
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arrangements were subject to the control and permission of the lady of the house.
" Very nice amiable woman," said Cuthbert, after the party had left the room ; " so natural — eh — so unaffected."
Sniggs and I exchanged looks.
" What remarkably fine hair she has," said Sniggs somewhat theatrically, sipping his third glass of punch.
Cuthbert did not see the point of Galen's observation, which conveyed to my mind and that of Merman (who waited to walk home with the apothecary) all he meant it should, as re- garded what the Lakers would call the " uni- versality of her naturalness." In fact, my poor brother was of so easy a disposition, and so much readier to admit than dispute, that it never once entered his head that the ringlets which wan- toned over Mrs. Brandyball's forehead were other than indigenous ; and as neither Sniggs nor myself felt at all desirous to mar the serenity with which he seemed inclined to view all the schoolmistress's perfections, or fatigue him with
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a discussion upon the peculiar merits of the " soft illusion" with which she contrived to set off her somewhat matured charms, we allowed him to continue in his state of credulous bless- edness, from which it would have been down- right barbarity to disturb him.
" Will any one tell me what o'clock it is ?" said Cuthbert. " It is almost time for bed — dear, dear — what a deal of trouble one takes in getting up and going to sleep — it is always the same thing over and over again — just do me the kindness to ring the bell — thank you — that — ah — is not that my pocket-handkerchief on the floor ? — yes, thank you — oh, Hutton, are you there ? — well — ah — it's only to wheel me to my room. Good night, good night, Sniggs — no fear about Tom's eye — eh ?"
" None in the least, Sir," said Sniggs.
" Have you thought any more of what I got Hutton to write to you about?" said Cuthbert. " Kitty's ancle-bone — I forgot to talk to you about it — you'll be here to-morrow — come soon, and if you have time we'll have one game of
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chess before luncheon. Good night, Gilbert — good night, Mr. — psha — dear — Mr. Merman."
And away was he wheeled — having again invited Sniggs to chess and, par consequence, to luncheon. Well ! I cannot help it ; I suppose it must be so.
" Come Sniggs," said I, " let us finish the
jug-"
" What !" said Sniggs, " you are in the jugu- lar vein to-night, Sir."
I laughed, and should Lave laughed more if Sniggs had not made the same wretched pun a hundred times before. Merman did not see any joke in it, but talked of ringing for his great-coat, inasmuch as it was desperately cold in the hall, and he had a cough, and Fanny desired him to take care of himself. I rang the bell, and the coat and cloak were brought, and my guests packed up for departure. I shook hands with both ; as Merman was leaving the room he turned suddenly back and said,
" Do you expect me at dinner to-morrou .-"
Now I ask the best tactician in the world
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what answer I could give to such a question but that which I did?
" Too happy to see you."
That I was sincere in saying so, I cannot assert, and yet the invitation, or rather the ad- mission, to my house* was sincerely offered. I have already said I disliked Merman; but those who were loved by those whom / loved, were fond of him and enjoyed his society : so that although, as directly relating to Merman and myself, that which I said was not true — still, as affecting the pleasure and amusement of others upon whom my regards were reflected from her who was all the world to me, I conscientiously said that I should be happy to see him. " For their sakes" was the mental reservation. How- ever, as he was to come, and I could not hope to enjoy my much-desired domestic meal while Mrs. Brandyball stayed, I resolved upon having Wells of the party, and accordingly begged Merman, who would in all probability see him before I should in the morning, to ask him to join us ; still, I admit wondering to myself how
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the reverend gentleman came to permit the affair between Fanny and the Lieutenant to linger on so long without coming to a decision. My case had been settled in a fifth part of the time, although I had never — at least I do not think I ever had — made any such manifestations of devotion to Harriet as the Lieutenant has been exhibiting during the last four or five months.
This circumstance brought to my mind the often-repeated axiom of my reverend friend with regard to early marriages, even without the actual possession of fortune, and the singular concatenation of circumstances by which, in my own case, his anticipations, couleur de rose, had been realized ; and that again brought to my recollection a most ungenerous and ungracious comparison on my part between the actual state of my present circumstances, and the probabilities of what would have occurred if I had missed my brother on the day of his return, or if, by any unforeseen circumstances, he had lost the fortune he possessed; in which case Harriet and 1 should have been living upon a much more moderate
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scale than we now are, — I, in some way, labouring to increase my income, and perhaps doing some- thing to obtain a reputation, as well as profit. To have contented myself under such circumstances would have been wise and philosophical ; and there was nothing wrong or uncourteous in insti- tuting such a comparison ; the ungraciousness and the ungenerousness of the process applied only to the conclusion at which I arrived, that, although I might have kept two servants instead of seven or eight, my wife would have had no carriage ; and my table would have been less amply covered ; that my house would have been small, instead of large ; and that I should have toiled, instead of trifled ; I should have been independent. I could have sat down quietly with my nice, kind, good-humoured Harriet, have enjoyed that ingenuous interchange of thoughts and opinions, which is the cl^rm of domestic life, and it' I had had Im'WKI enough, a little to spare, I might at least have chosen the friend who should be our guest.
Now this is all wrong. It makes me think
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I have a bad heart ; that I am ungrateful to Cuthbert. No, I am not ; but with all his kindness to me, with all my affection for him, I am not happy, — I am not at my ease. Then — it sounds most unfraternal to think of it — he said he should go to Cheltenham long before dear Harriet's accouchement ; and I begged him not to leave us. I suppose that may be the reason why he seems to have abandoned the intention altogether; and now I am sorry he does not mean to go : we should be quieter during her illness ; but still I ought not to wish him to leave Ash- mead, if he is happier where he is ; what 1 really do think, is, that he would be more amused at Cheltenham than he can possibly be with us; especially during the period of her confinement. The Nubleys are gone to town to-day; he is reduced to Sniggs; Wells is too vivacious for him; his mind cannot travel fastenouph to catch Wells's jokes and anecdotes. However, if he is comfortable, why, we owe him everything ; and, pah ! — I will not worry myself with thinking about it. I will bear all the little rubs I meet
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with, patiently and properly, and keep my tem- per; or, perhaps, as my temper seems to be at present by no means good, change it as soon as possible.
How is it possible, with the strongest possible fraternal feelings, to maintain this equanimity ?
When I went to bed — yes, there it is — to bed — Harriet, who had not been particularly comfortable during the evening, and, poor dear soul, felt Cuthbert's rebuke about the whist, and Kitty's pre-eminence in everything more deeply than, perhaps, was necessary, told me that she proposed, after breakfast, next day, to drive over with Fanny in the pony phaeton to call on a Mrs. Somerton, a great friend of the Wells's, who had come on a visit at Hallowden, within about five miles of us. Harriet had always a persuasive way with her, and, dear love, it re- quired very little effort on my part to make the arrangement, that she should drive Fanny, or Fanny, her, to this place. All that I appre- hended was, that she might over-exert herself. However, she laughed kindly at my solicitude. 10
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and said that, not only she was sure the drive would do her good, but that she was most anxious to show whatever civility she might to this Mrs. Somerton, because, — what, I did not want to hear — it was something connected with her family, and why should I argue further? And so, before taking my last turn round to sleep, I told her, poor dear, to order her phaeton when she chose, and to invite Mrs. Somerton to come to us, if she liked ; and so I dropped into my slumber, quite satisfied that that matter was finally arranged.
At breakfast Cuthbert did not appear ; he had got a pain in his side ; and Hutton had told him he had better not get up, and so he desired Hutton, when Mr. Sniggs came, to send him to his room. Harriet received Mrs. Brandy- ball with all her wonted good nature ; and Mrs. Brandyball was more elegant and refined than ever. Kitty had breakfasted, so had Jane, but still they were supporters to their governess's arms, and were, as usual, on her dexter and sinister side. Tom was proscribed, much to my delight ;
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Kitty having denounced him as not presentable with a piece of plaister on his face, cut diagonally, and stuck over his mouth, like a hatchment over a window.
Mrs. Brandyball seemed to enjoy her break- fast ; she ate eggs, broiled ham, and gibier an gratin, tasted of absent Cuthbert's curry, admired the way in which the rice was served dry, ven- tured upon one rognon, extremely well served, (although without Champagne,) and concluded her matitunal meal with the upper half of a peculiar sort of buttered cake, for which my cook was really famous, not only in the modern fal-lal acceptation of the word, in which good wine, of which nobody ever heard, is called famous, or a well-sized room, or a well-formed horse, is designated by the same adjective ; but because she (for it was a she) was really famous in the neighbourhood for her excellence in contriving a delusive, delicious, and destruc- tive compound of something that seemed light and melting in the mouth, but which was in fact of the heaviest and most indigestible order ;
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and which, when well saturated with butter, was at once one of the most agreeable and most dreadful things ever invented, always excepting a before-mentioned Shrapnell shell or a Con- greve rocket.
I looked at my bonny Brandyball as she fed, as I had been wont to look, as a boy, at Garnerin's balloons, when the method of filling them was much more tedious and expensive than it after- wards became ; and my feeling — save and ex- cept that the materiel was my own — was not very dissimilar from that which I had upon those occasions experienced ; for, although the process went on with what appeared to me most admirable success, I could perceive no visible effect, nor the slightest disposition on her part to rise, although we had all long concluded our operations in the way of feeding.
Everything, however, must have an end, and so at length had our breakfast; and then came the awkward dawdling time in which people huddle about the fire, or go into corners to write letters, or begin to make plans for the day's
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amusement, and I betook myself to my library, where, even in the present state of domestic disarrangement, I had still a shelter and retreat, which, however, I might not have so securely retained, if I had not adopted the precaution of keeping the door closed, not only when I was out of the room, but when I was in it, by means of what Sniggs facetiously called my " Lock upon the Human Understanding," the key of which never left my pocket.
This sounds illiberal and churlish ; but I love books dearly. I venerate them; and it pains my heart, and grieves my sight, to see them ill- treated. If the Miss Falwassers and their brother had free access to my library, a week would not elapse before every volume which had "pictures" in it, would be lugged out of its place, rumpled, strained backwards, thumbed, and tum- bled ; my portfolios would be emptied ; and if their contents were replaced, their edges would be cut with the strings destined for their pre- servation,— for as to reading, the boy, I believe, cannot compass the performance, and the girls
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would inevitably take but one line, and reject- ing as dull and nonsensical all the sterling works in our language, whence they might derive in- struction and improvement, mount my fairy ladder, to reach from the top shelves, to which they have been banished, the plays and novels which have come into my possession, either as presentation copies from their authors, or as alloy to some valuable lot which I have bought at an auction.
It is quite true that, in the ardent desire for money-making at the time of our equivocal success in South America, a certain great Lon- don speculator, who shall be nameless, was, in his ignorance of the customs and climate of that part of the world, induced to send out thither a large investment of skates and warming-pans, which, considering all things, was not likely to turn out profitably. His supracargo, however, managed to make his money for him, although the first appearance of the speculation was beyond measure melancholy.
" Warming-pans !" exclaimed one of the in-
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habitants ; " skates !" cried another. What ab- surdity! — what folly! — what madness ! — and the little children patted the pans and danced to the music, and the women rubbed the sharp edges of the skates, and laughed at the English mode of making shoes with sharp soles.
At length, however, things grew better, — pans and skates looked up. Amongst the visitors to the store came one day a monk, who was, like Tom Thumb's cow, —
" Larger than the largest size."
His keen eye twinkled as he looked at one of the warming-pans, — he opened it, — ran his finger round the bottom of it, — chuckled with delight at some inward conceit, — bought it, and had it sent to his convent.
The next day brought several more of the priesthood to buy warming-pans, and the cir- cumstance induced the supracargo to inquire of one of their Reverences what had so suddenly brought an implement so apparently useless into fashion. " You will sell them all," said the
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Padre ; " they are the very things we wanted. We have everything in the world good to eat here, but no good things to cook with. Father Francis has started the notion that these will make excellent stew-pans, — he secured the first for himself; — the notion has spread, and if you had five hundred pans you would sell them all." Now, a supracargo of moderate intellect would have rejoiced mightily in so fortunate a disposal of half his principal's absurd commodity, and have put up with the loss of the skates, for which no possible use could be found. Our supracargo was not of that sort. His name was Mackenzie ; and the moment the friars and stewers had confided their secret to him, he immediately drew up, and, in reply to the in- creasing demand for the article now in such re- quest, stated as a condition absolutely inevitable, that every man, woman, or child, who bought one warming-pan should buy two pairs of skates, — two warming-pans, four pairs of skates, and so on ad infinitum. The result was obvious; the warming-pans had become sine-qua-nons, and the skates were therefore purchased, because without
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them the pans could not have been procured : by which ruse Mr. Mackenzie disposed of the whole investment, and to this moment the kitchens of Rio de Janeiro are stored with the warming- pans, and the museums of their masters deco- rated with the skates.
So in an auction, the Mackenzies of the trade are sure to assort the lots in a similar manner. Trash and absurdity are cunningly blended with worth and merit ; and if you want to buy a warming-pan work fit for a library, you are forced to take with it some four or five pairs of skates in the shape of so many volumes of unserviceable trash.
Out of this refuse matter Miss Falwasser would have been sure to select works for her edification ; and besides all my tender solicitude for my library, I felt so much for myself as to conclude that it would be less offensive to keep the room always locked than it would be to lock it when I was in it myself; and to have been subjected to an inroad there would have been unbearable.
From my place of refuge I did not emerge
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until luncheon was announced, at which I pre- sented myself, and found, as I did not expect (for I had forgotten the arrangement), Sniggs and Cuthbert apparently asleep over the chess- board, the only sign of life or liveliness betrayed by either of them being a very subdued noise made by Cuthbert in the way of whistling his one only tune, which was the air of a song in, or rather out of a farce called " My Grandmother ;" the burden of which is composed of these words — " 'Tis a favour, Sir, I must deny, oh fie !"
More of the song I never heard, nor do I know what might have been the favour denied by the lady who sings, nor why she should exclaim " Oh fie !" All I do know is, that this one line, either whistled or sung, but almost always whis- tled, in the softest possible tone, was Cuthbert's universal practice at all times when he had occa- sion to do what he called think.
Cuthbert's performance of this one sweet strain, always reminded me of the performance of an old blind man who, a few years since, was in the habit of perambulating the streets in the
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neighbourhood of Grosvenor-square, who was fully persuaded himself, and probably hoped to persuade other people, that he was playing upon the bagpipes; he went through all the mo- tions of blowing the bellows under his arm, and even aiding the essential flatulency of his instru- ment by blowing into an auxiliary tube with his mouth, while his fingers performed all the necessary movements upon the keys ; but sound made he none. Hence a nobleman, whose eminent talents and delightful manners have endeared him to all who know him, and to no one more justly than to myself, has given him the sobriquet of the " Confidential Bag- piper." Cuthbert's whistle was equally private and confidential ; it would have fatigued him too much to make it audible.
" Good morning Sir," said Sniggs : " fine day — healthy invigorating weather."
" Ah, Gilbert," said Cuthbert, " how d'ye do, my dear fellow ? Well, I don't see how that queen is to be got out of check. Tom is quite well, Gilbert, — so Sniggs says."
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" Quite," said Sniggs ; " not a mark of a bruise to be seen."
" Poor fellow !" said Cuthbert, and then a little whistle. " I'll finish this game after luncheon."
« Where's Mrs. Brandyball ?" said I.
" Oh," said Cuthbert, "she is gone with Kate and Jane to the Rectory. I told them they would get some luncheon there, and, as the day was so fine, I thought they might show their governess the park, and so come round by Hans- ford, and look at the view from Fellsbury Hill. I recollect the day you got me there, I was quite delighted with the prospect."
" But," said I, " they will be tired to death : why, my dear Cuthbert, the route you have given them is little less than nine miles."
" Well, my dear fellow," said Cuthbert, " what's that — nothing ?"
" I think," said I, " if you had to walk nine miles, you would consider it something, Cuth- bert."
" Ay," said my brother, " to walk, I grant
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you. 1 should as soon think of walking to Jeru- salem, as Parson Whalley did in my father's time ; but, for horses — and horses that have not too much work at any time — it is only wholesome exercise."
" Horses !" said I ; " what horses have they got?"
" They have got the phaeton," said Cuthbert. " I told Hutton to tell the coachman to get it ready for them; and Kate drives, you know, remarkably well, — and the ponies are so quiet, — and she is so fond of driving, — not that I should let her drive horses that were not perfectly quiet. I'm sure since that day when I and my father were coming along the road by Shooter's Hill, where that place like Severndroog is built »
" Yes," said I, interrupting somewhat more sharply than was my wont, seeing that I was both vexed and angry : " but, my dear Cuth- bert, Harriet wanted the phaeton to go call on a Mrs. Somebody at Hallowden, — a remarkably pretty drive, — in which she meant to invite Mrs.
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Brandyball to accompany her; — she made a point of going to-day, and I concluded had ordered the carriage."
" No, Sir," said Hutton, who was wheeling his master to the luncheon-table, " the carriage was not ordered when my master sent me to see about it. Mrs. Gurney sent down since, but then the young ladies were gone."
I could not trust myself with any remark, so I took the prudent course of leaving the room, and going in search of Harriet, whom I found in her boudoir, looking exactly as cheerful and un- concerned as if no liberty had been taken with her rights and privileges, and she had not been disappointed in her drive, and frustrated in her civil intentions towards both Mrs. Somerton and our volunteer guest.
" It was my fault, dear," said Harriet ; " I forgot to order the phaeton after breakfast, and "
" That may be, Harry," said I ; " but what I complain of is, that anybody here should for- get to ask your leave before they ordered it."
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" Oh, never mind," said Harriet. " The day is not so fine as it was, and perhaps it will rain, and perhaps I might have caught cold ; besides, the girls are so very fond of their schoolmistress, and it amuses her, and I can go another day.
" You are a dear, kind, good soul, Harriet said I ; " but you must not, and shall not, be overlooked and degraded in your own house. The carriage and horses are yours, and "
" So they are, love," said Harriet; "but it was cousin Cuthbert who gave them to me. Recollect that, dear Gilbert ; recollect how much we owe him."
" I do, Harriet dear," said I ; " and, as far as I can judge, it is not likely that I shall very soon be permitted to forget it. However, a gift, to be valuable, or even receivable, must be com- plete ; and the moment he presented you with that carriage, all his interest in, and control over it, ceased and determined."
" My dear Gilbert," said Harriet, " what you are now saying must be something you learned in the Temple, when they were going to make
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a lawyer of you. Never let us cherish an un- kindly thought towards kind Cuthbert. I believe sometimes Kitty's pertness and Tom's rudeness flurry me a little. I feel angry and vexed at times, — angry that I am vexed, and vexed that I am angry. But all this is temporary ; a few more days, and quiet will be restored."
" Where is Fanny?" said I.
" Why, Fanny is gone home," said Harriet. " Papa has sent for her ; but he brings her back to dinner. I don't exactly know, but I rather think her visit to the Rectory has something to do with the affair of your friend Lieutenant Mer- man. I don't know, because papa's note merely begs her to come home ; but I cannot understand what else could have required her presence."
" I think," said I, " it is quite time some- thing should be done decisively in that busi- ness. I admit that I never liked him since "
" I remember the moment right well," said Harriet: " it was when I was foolish and Missy enough to try and make you jealous of him, — wasn't that the time? and isn't that the cause of
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your disinclination from him ? I know it is. But you have forgiven me"
" Yes, dear, yes," said I. " Forgiven you ? — to be sure I have, and forgotten the whole affair," — which, in truth, I had not, nor any one incident that ever occurred during my uncon- scious courtship of my darling wife.
It is curious how the minutest circumstances are registered in the mind, with which the object of our affections is in any degree con- nected. I remember, as well as if it were but yesterday, while walking with Harriet and her father, and her little sister, in their gay and blooming garden, I gathered a beautiful half- budded rose. I placed it in the button-hole of my coat, and walked on, talking as we had been talking before ; nor was it till my eyes rested for a moment on those of Harriet, that I felt a con- viction of my selfishness, and a consciousness that she had expected I was gathering it for her, and that she had been disappointed when I appropriated it to myself. Now, absurd as it may seem, although I never have so far betrayed
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my weakness as to mention this trifling circum- stance to her, I never, to this moment, think of it without regret and discontent.
" Come to luncheon, dear," said I. " Cuth- bert is there, and I left him somewhat abruptly ; for I was vexed."
" Gilbert, dearest," said Harriet, leaning on my arm, and looking in my face with an ingenu- ousness neither to be affected nor mistaken, " never, never be vexed about anything in which I am concerned. Believe me, I am too happy to make your happiness ; and as for all this matter, what does it signify whether I went to-day to make my visit, or go to-morrow? Promise me, dear love, to let nothing of this sort put you the least out of the way."
Could I help kissing her white forehead, and pressing her to my heart? I think I should have gone the length of kissing her rosy lips too, had not her maid come into the room at the mo- ment, to say that Mr. Cuthbert had sent up word by Hutton that he and Mr. Sniggs were waiting
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for us. There it was again ! — not even master of five minutes. Mr. Sniggs, indeed !
" Come, then, dear," said I to Harriet ; and down stairs we went : and there we found the late antagonists making common cause in a servile war upon some grilled and minced fowl, Cuth- bert having, under medical advice, fallen to, lest he should lose the appetite which the smell of the diablerie of my ingenious cook had excited. The sight of luncheon immediately brought to my mind the peculiar awkwardness of Mrs. BrandybalFs appearance at the Rectory, with her two sparkling satellites, on a morning which, from what Harriet had told me, seemed to be " big with the fate of Merman and of Fan."
While I was helping dear Harriet to " the least bit of cold chicken in the world," the servant brought me a note. I opened and read it. Its contents were, to me, convincing that I had not mistaken my Lieutenant. I threw it across the table to Harriet, who ran her eyes over it, and returned it, saying only, " Well,"
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which I myself have a habit of saying upon many occasions when it would not be well to say anything more. The contents of the note were these lines : —
" Dear Sir, — I regret that a compulsory visit to London this afternoon will prevent my having the pleasure of dining with you to-day, as I had proposed.
Yours, very truly,
" J. Merman."
" That's odd, Harry," said I, as I jerked off the wing of the chicken.
" Yes," said Harriet, " very odd indeed, con- sidering."
" I am not sorry," said I, cutting her the thinnest imaginable slice of ham, " even if it be as I suppose from this"
" I am," replied my wife, " for her sake."
" It is for her sake," answered I, " that I am not."
" Is that an invitation ?" said Cuthbert.
" No," said I ; " on the contrary, a refusal of
one."
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" Oh !" continued he ; " because I hear that some lady — I did hear her name, but, ah dear, I forget — is going to give a juvenile fancy ball, and I was going to ask if you knew her — Hutton can't tell me — because I think my little girls would — ah, would like to go, if they were invited ?"
" There is to be a thing of the sort," said Sniggs, " at Mrs. Trig-ley's, I believe. Tall woman, in a green bonnet — sits opposite the churchwardens — amiable person — subject to jaun- dice— had a slight touch of epilepsy about four years since — nice house for the purpose — bad aspect — dampish — I take it — rather troubled with sciatica."
" And when is this to be ?" said I.
" I think in about a fortnight," said Sniggs.
" We don't know her," said Harriet.
" I think," said Cuthbert, " Bessy Wells told Kate that the Wells's know her ; and so I said, if she could manage it, she and Jane might go : and Kate was saying something of having a little thing of the sort here. I believe Mr.
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Kittington, the dancing-master, put it into her head first ; — of course these people are anxious to show off their pupils to the best advantage."
I could not stand this, so I made no reply ; but only said " Well" again, as Harriet had said before, and drank a glass of wine.
I saw Harriet looked worried and vexed at Merman's note, which it was clear to me she considered the avant courier of some unpleasant family news. She was evidently engrossed with her own thoughts, and left us as soon as she possibly could.
There is something like prescience, something intuitively quick about women when matters connected with these affaires cle cozur come under their notice. It might, to be sure, have been, in this instance, that Fanny had made her sister 1 to a certain degree her confidante. What struck me was, that my reverend father-in-law had been drawing matters to a conclusion with the Lieu- tenant, but having chosen the morning rather than the evening for the conference, the result had not been quite so successful as that oi
h 6
156 GURNEY MARRIED.
our winding-up conversation upon a probably similar topic.
Fanny returned to Ashmead between four and five o'clock, and hurried unseen to Harriet's sanctum, and when I saw my poor little wife again I saw she had been crying. She begged me to excuse her to Mrs. Brandyball for her absence from dinner, on the plea of indisposition — the fact being, that she and Fanny intended to devote the rest of the day to talk over the important events of the morning.
Mrs. Brandyball returned alone in the car- riage— the independent Kate having accepted for herself and her sister an invitation from Bessy Wells to stay at the Rectory and pass the even- ing, which could be perfectly well managed, and without any inconvenience, inasmuch as they could come home in the carriage which would be sent to fetch the Rector, who was to dine with us.
Our fair guest was profuse in her expressions of admiration of the neighbourhood, of the Rectory, of the Wells's, of my horses, of my
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phaeton, of Kitty's driving, and, in short, of everything in any way connected with us ; for it struck me that her great object was to " butter" Cuthbert, to whom she looked up as a patron at least; nor was I without some slight suspicion that in her disinterested remarks about his visit to the neighbourhood of her semi- nary, she even carried her intentions the whole length of succeeding to the maternal control of the young ladies by a nearer and dearer claim than that of their governess.
" Have you sent for Sniggs ?" said Cuthbert to me.
" No— why ?" asked I.
" I thought," said my brother — " I may be mistaken — but I thought you said Harriet was unwell. Wouldn't it be better — eh — to — don't you think "
" Oh no," replied I ; " her illness is not of a serious character. I rather think she and her sister have something to talk over."
" We saw Miss Fanny at the Rectory," said Mrs. Brandyball, " and Mr. Merman was there.
158 GURNEY MARRIED.
I asked liim if he were to be of our domestic circle here to-day; but he replied with an unusual degree of abruptness, that he was en- gaged elsewhere. Vanity makes men ridiculous — pride, odious. I know the Lieutenant is a great favourite here; but his manner to-day was not so gracious as it is ordinarily wont to be."
" He has written to me," said I, " to tell me he has been obliged to go to London."
" Ah, poor man, I pity him," said the lady ; " the city for wealth, the country for health ; and whatever allurements the society of the metro- polis may display to the youthful mind, the calm repose of the umbrageous grove, overhanging the limpid stream, has in it a charm for delicate minds which is not to be found in busier scenes."
" You are quite right, Ma'am," said Cuth- bert; " what can be more delightful? I often get Hutton to wheel me down to the edge of our little river here, and make him throw bits of bread into the water, and there I sit sometimes
8
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by the hour together, watching the fish come and eat it. I used to fish myself; but a rod is such a heavy thing to hold, so I get Ilutton some- times to stand by me and fish for me ; but he seldom catches anything, which is perhaps all for the best; for the hook we know must hurt the fish ; besides which, it is so much trouble to take it off, if one does catch one, and put a fresh bait on, that what is called good sport flurries me — and as for crowds — oh, dear ! dear ! — nobody can like a crowd except a pickpocket."
" How imaginative your brother's mind is !" said Mrs. Brandyball to me, looking quite seraphic. " I really believe that those who have resided in oriental climes catch, as it were, that inspiration which seems to imbue the poetry of those regions."
I made a sort of assenting noise ; but quite aware of my inferiority, and looking upon Mrs. 13. as a sort of petticoated Sir William Jones, did not venture to offer the slightest remark upon the authors to whom she alluded, and
160 GURNEY MARRIED.
with whom she was of course intimately ac- quainted.
It seemed clear to me, however, that as the Lieutenant had bolted, and my two ladies in- tended dining by themselves, and Cuthbert's two ladies had betaken themselves to the Rectory, that Cuthbert, Wells, and I should have the pleasure of Mrs. Brandyball's company all to ourselves, the which I did not very much dislike, inasmuch as Wells was just the man to draw her out, and thus afford me an opportunity of judg- ing of her intellectual qualities, so that I might at some subsequent period discuss with Cuthbert the propriety or inpropriety of keeping the girls at her school.
We parted to dress, and I of course visited my darling Harriet. As I suspected, the Lieu- tenant had behaved shabbily. Wells's sober arguments with respect to Fanny and his attach- ment had failed. The Reverend general — the church-militant — had been defeated. Merman had, if not money, expectations, and a maiden
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aunt, which maiden aunt had, it seems, some twenty thousand pounds, the bulk of which was to become the property of her nephew, provided he married a Miss Malony, who was her protegee. There were several very extraordinary rumours about the cause of the interest which this young person created in old Miss Merman's heart — none of which 1 shall set down, because the characters of cardinals and old maids are sacred, and nobody ought to say one word about them ; however, it was altogether a mystery, into which it appeared the Lieutenant had only been recently admitted by the elder lady of the two.
The scene up-stairs was not agreeable ; poor Fanny was crying. I believe she really had, under her Papa's sanction, worked herself into a liking for the Lieutenant. I tried to like him as a friend — as an acquaintance even — but I never could achieve it, and I ventured to suggest the drying up of her tears ; but women are such kind, tender, affectionate creatures, that my ad- vice was wasted. What she ever saw in the man, I never could myself discover. However,
162 GURNEY MARRIED.
he is gone. I am sorry for Fanny, but delighted as far as 1 am myself concerned.
Wells has just arrived — I hear the rustling of Mrs. Brandyball's roundabout silk gown in the gallery. So — in order to make myself particu- larly acceptable — down I go once more to receive my guests.
CHAPTER V.
Our dinner progressed, as the Americans say, most propitiously. Wells was in much better spirits than I had expected to find him, con- sidering the recent severe frustration of all his well-laid schemes for Fanny's matrimonial pro- motion. He did not in the slightest degree allude to the circumstance, probably because my own case had not entirely slipped his memory, and because any recapitulation of the history of the Lieutenant's wooing might have recalled to my recollection some scenes of a similar cha- racter to those which had been recently acted at the Rectory, but which had not been produc- tive of a similar result.
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Mrs. Brandyball, whose whole aim and object appeared to be the making everybody round her pleased with themselves, as the readiest mode of making everybody present pleased with her, began her course of experiments in that way by eulogizing, in her best set terms, the gallant officer now absent, as one of the most interesting of his sex.
"I protest," said she, "that I am not like that particular genus of gallinaceous birds whose tenderest sensibilities are awakened by the appearance of sanguineously-coloured cloth, but I cannot so entirely subdue the natural, and I hope not altogether reprehensible sentiment of gratitude which must unquestionably animate every female heart towards our gallant protectors in the time of peril."
" Ah," said Cuthbert, " yours is a very amiable weakness in that respect. What soldiers have to endure, — ah, those marchings and coun- termarchings, — eh ?"
" But," continued Mrs. Brandyball, deter- mined to win the Rector entirely, " I never
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met with an individual so entirely exempt from pretension or affectation as Lieutenant Merman. He appears to me to be unexceptionable."
" Well," said the Reverend Divine, " there must be tastes of all sorts ; for my part, I think him as empty a coxcomb as ever stepped — "
Mrs. Brandyball stared with astonishment.
" And 7," said I, " think him odious."
Her eyes opened still wider.
" Ah," said Cuthbert, " do you know I have never taken the trouble to think whether I like him or not."
The manner in which our fair visiter was mystified was exceedingly amusing to us : it was evident, not only that she felt wonderfully disappointed by the way in which her eulo- giums upon the Lieutenant had been received, but that she set us down as two of the most hardened hypocrites that ever existed. What else could she think? — she had seen the man living constantly with us, — evincing beyond ;: shadow of doubt his devotion towards my sister- in-law, and received by her with a corresponding
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frankness of approval. Wells was in no humour to soften or qualify what he had said of him, and I thought I had found out enough of Mrs. Brandyball's character to be certain that when she found that we completely threw him over, she would let him lie in the mire without any farther attempt at his exaltation.
Tom, who came in with the dessert, had been upstairs with Harriet and her sister, and, by the expression of his most expressive countenance, I was dreadfully apprehensive that he had picked enough out of their conversation to understand that the Lieutenant had behaved somehow ungenteelly, and had received his conge. The imp looked cunning, and as, be- sides what he might have extracted from the dialogue of the sisters, he was extremely fond of collecting facetice from the servants' hall, it seemed extremely likely that the real state of the case had oozed out during the afternoon, and that he might favour us with the domestic version of the " soger officer's" inglorious retreat.
Cuthbert, whose consummate skill in the art
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of child-spoiling I have now watched with more attention than satisfaction, whenever the girls were away, bestowed all his favours upon their lout of a brother, and he had at this period expressed a wish, which came like a gentle command, that Tom should take, or seem to take, a great interest in everything that was going on.
" Whenever you don't understand anything that is talked of, Tommy," said my brother, " always ask me. It is by inquiring, everybody learns. It will save you a great deal of trouble in the end." And accordingly Tom felt bound to be unceasingly inquisitive, always, however, running poor Cuthbert eventually into a corner, and thus irritating him as much as it was pos- sible for him to be irritated by anything. This questionable system of improvement of course destroyed anything like rational or even con- nected conversation during the presence of the hopeful youth in the dining-room, and knowing how tiresome his company would be to Harriet
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and Fanny, I had not the courage to send him up to the boudoir, which, as his fair sisters were out, was the only place which could be appro- priated to his use.
" I know no more of him personally," said Wells, speaking of some public man, " than I do of the Pope of Rome."
" Who is the Pope of Rome, uncle ? " said Tom.
" My dear boy," said Cuthbert, "he is elected by the Cardinals."
" What's a cardinal, uncle ?"
" A cardinal, my love, is an ecclesiastical prince, and a member of the sacred college."
" Yes," said Wells, " and the Roman Catho- lics hold that, as the Pope represents Moses, so the cardinals represent the seventy elders."
" They wear red hats," said Mrs. Brandy ball.
" Why do they wear red hats ?" said Tom.
" For the same reason, Master Tommy," siid Wells, " that millers wear white ones."
" What's that ?" said Tom.
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" To keep their heads warm," said Wells.
" How incalculably whimsical you are, Mr. Wells," said Mrs. Brandyball.
" Did you never hear of any great man who was called Pope, who never was a cardinal ?" said Cuthbert, evidently determined to obtain some share of Mrs. Brandyball's favourable opinion.
" No," said Tom.
" Not Alexander Pope, the poet?" said Cuth- bert, leading him dexterously to an affirmative.
" No : who was he ?" said Tom.
" Why, Tommy," said Wells, bored to death by the boy's pertinacity, " he was once called a note of interrogation."
" What's a note of interrogation ?" said Tom.
" What he was told he was himself, a little ugly thing that asks questions," said the Rec- tor.
" Oh, Mr. Wells," said Mrs. Brandyball, " that is too severe. To my mind Pope was not much of a poet."
" To mine," said I, " he appears the greatest poet we ever had."
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" Who is the best poet now, pappy," said Tom.
" Poet, my dear," said Cuthbert; " never mind, — I don't know, — I'm sure, — there, now that will do, don't make a noise, — eat your orange."
" I perfectly agree with you, Mr. Gurney," said Mrs. Brandyball, " as to the utility of the system of exciting the development of the men- tal qualities by the institution of a principle of inquiry which must, while its results add fresh stores of information to the questioner, induce a constant desire for new acquirements."
Wells and I exchanged looks, for although it may seem most illiberal that we should encou- rage any doubts or suspicions with regard to the perfect ebriety of our fair guest, we could not fail to remark that the long words in which she dealt rather largely at this period, came out rather indistinctly ; however, Wells reple- nished her glass with port wine, which she that day drank, because she said " the cadent hu- midity" (Anglice, some rain which had fallen during the afternoon) " had imparted an agueish character to the circumambient atmosphere."
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My position was an awkward one ; whenever she evinced a disposition to retire, her desti- nation would be the drawing-room, with no com- panion save Tom, I therefore did not feel in the slightest degree desirous of unsettling her ; nor dare I venture to pay my poor wife a visit, lest the movement should flurry our fair visitor. I knew that in the present state of their minds her joining Harriet and Fanny would be beyond description disagreeable, so I affected to be exceedingly snug and comfortable ; and Wells seconding my efforts to keep the little party together, the lady gradually warming by the generous influence of what, in the earlier part of the day, she would probably have called the " vinous juice," began proportionably to relinquish all her fine words and euphonic phrases, until at length her natural candour led her not only to talk like other people, but to give us some curious particulars of her own " life, character, and behaviour," to which I must say the Hector more ingeniously than ingenuously led and encouraged her.
" Little pitchers have great ears," said Mrs.
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Brandyball ; " Master Tom had better go to his aunty, — as for my part, I can only say that in France the ladies never leave the table until the gentlemen go."
" Or rather," interrupted Wells, " the gen- tlemen always go when the ladies leave the table."
" It's the same thing in the end," said Mrs. Brandyball ; " now what I mean to say is this, — Mrs. Gurney is unwell, and, I dare say, would be better pleased with my room than my company. Indeed, between you and me and the post, I don't think I am overmuch of a favourite with her at any time; and so — as I feel agueish — although the port wine has done me a great deal of good, I don't want to stir from where I am till tea-time : we are very snug where we are — only, to be sure, you may have something to talk about — parish, as we say, — in which case I'm off — a nod's as good as a wink to a blind horse."
" But you are not a blind orse," said Tom, looking at her with a perfect consciousness that
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the expression of her countenance, and the character of her conversation, had undergone a very decided alteration.
" No, Master Tom," said the lady, " that's very true."
" No," said Tom ; " no more than hi ham a little pitcher ; hi'm hup to you, stoopid as you may fancy me."
" Tommy, love," said Cuthbert, " don't speak in that manner to Mrs. Brandyball : what would your sisters say if they heard you ?"
" Say !" said Tom ; " why, they'd laugh like fun, specially Kitty ; she would tell me to go it like winkin."
Here the lady telegraphed to me her desire that Tom should be missing as soon as possible ; and while she was occupied in this operation, Wells again replenished her glass, having ascer- tained that she had arrived at an amiable state of oblivious mystification, in which, although she gave some slight evidence of surprise at finding her goblet, like the Panmure punch-
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bowl, always full, slie could not exactly recollect having previously emptied it.
This tampering with her weakness, and minis- tering to her failings, might have been, by the more rigid, considered, what is colloquially called, " taking an unfair advantage," and I think even I, in my own house, or, what was so called and considered in the neighbourhood, should have interposed to prevent the proceed- ing, had it not been that I felt I was doing Cuthbert and his daughters-in-law an essential service in contributing to rub off the plating, of which I have before written, which he mistook for precious metal, and by allowing his favourite the full indulgence in what Kitty had more than once hinted was, when she was at home, her
" Custom always of the afternoon,"
permit her to exhibit herself in her natural colours. I confess the signal success which had crowned the early part of the process, and the
GURNEY MARRIED. 175
suddenness with which the mask had been aban- doned, rather induced me to sanction its con- tinuance so long as the lady continued " nothing loth ;" and so long as no undue influence was exercised over her to induce her to exceed her usual limits.
I answered her signal, and was obliged after all to desire Tom to go and get his tea with Harriet and Fanny, although it was extremely disagreeable to do what I knew would, to a cer- tainty, make them particularly unhappy.
" I'm hoff," said Tom : " hi knows what's what. She's a-going to let out some of her rum stories, — and his afraid that I should ear um."
" Tom, my boy, go when your uncle tells you," said Cuthbert.
" Oh, nobody wants to stop," said Tom : " I likes to go to Haunt Fan a precious sight better than staying here."
And out he went, banging the door after him, whistling as he crossed the hall, and forthwith stumped up stairs, to tormenttheconsultingsisters.
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" He's a nice boy," said Mrs. Brandyball, " only, as I said,
' Children pick up words, as pigeons peas, And utter them again as God shall please.'
And something might be said about somebody that might as well go no further; as I say, 'pre- vention is better than cure,' and I hate tattling."
" You are perfectly right," said Wells, with a look of the profoundest respect, and in a manner so horribly deferential, that I had nearly burst into a fit of laughing, although I was in fact in no very mirthful humour.
" Why, la, Mr. Wells," continued the lady, who having freed herself from the restraint im- posed by Tom's presence, went off at score; " you must naturally think I know a good deal of the world at my time of life ; and so having seen what I have seen in it, my proverb is, ' the least said, sooner mended.' "
Yes, thought I, and I suspect your temporary forgetfulness of so excellent a maxim at the pre- sent moment is likely to produce some curious
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results ; for I saw Cuthbert every now and then elevate his eyebrows, in a manner for him most actively expressive of astonishment at what he heard.
" Why," said the lady, " now I'll tell you ; you know those two girls of yours are as fond of me as if I was their own mother. That's mere nature — all nature — every bit of it nature ; they never knew their own mother, — then isn't it natural they should love me? — I have always been kind to them, and, as Mr. Gurney knows, never said wrong was the thing they did, though Kitty's as full of mischief as an egg's full of meat: — well then — I — so — oh, what was I say- ing— something "
" You were speaking of the natural affection of children for their parents," said Wells, who performed his part in this domestic farce with the greatest gravity.
" So I was," said the lady ; " and — I had no mother myself !"
" What ! never, Ma'am ?" said Wells, with a look of the most serious astonishment.
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178 GURNEY MARRIED.
« Oh, Mr. Wells," said Mrs. Brandyball, " what a man you are ! you do remind me so of an uncle of mine at Bristol."
" Oh," said Wells, " then you had an uncle?"
" Two," said the lady ; " and, as you asked, I had a mother, but she died before I knew any- thing about her, and that's a very bad thing for a girl."
" It is indeed," said Cuthbert,
" Sighing like furnace."
" And so," continued she, " I was left a good deal to myself; and that was, I think, the found- ation of all my knowledge. I was what they would call a self-taught genius. I never was taught nothing on earth by nobody until after I was married, and then poor Mr. B., who was mighty particular, — he was a very old man when I married him — at least I thought so then, — I don't believe he was near so old as Mr. Gurney, but he was a deal too old to marry me, — so when I came out with my P's and Q's — all wrong, you know — he used to fidget, and look cross, — and so then I had masters and mistresses, — and got
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on uncommonly well, — and never having any family — none of what the advertising servants call incumbrances — I had plenty of time to de- vote to myself, and so — as — I say — learning is a treasure — I — then — poor Mr. B. died — he was in a very extensive way of business — in the timber trade — but somehow — I don't recollect the particulars — when he died, it was found — I never could understand why — that he had not left me a farden — no, Mr. Wells, as I'm a living woman, not the value of a brass farden — nothing settled on me ; — and there I was — nobody to help me — my uncle dead — and my father gone abroad for life."
" What a dreadful position for a female," said Cuthbert, who, in the tenderness of his heart, and the intensity of his sympathy in our fair friend's misfortunes, totally lost sight of the main points of her history, so candidly — so unconsci- ously narrated for our edification.
" And what did happen to you?" said Wells.
" Oh," said Mrs. Brandyball, « nothing hap- pened to me: I began to think what I had best
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do — and what was easiest to be done ; and j ust as I was quite at a nonplus, I happened to fall in with a nice respectable lady who kept the school I now keep."
" ' Who wore that day the arms which now I wear ;' '
said I, involuntarily.
" No, not arms," said the lady — " school, — oh, I remember — out of the play — Norval — ha ! ha ! — l On the Grampy Hills,' — that's a very mov- ing play — it always makes me cry to think of his poor dear mother."
" My dear Gilbert," said Wells, " you have interrupted Mrs. Brandyball in her autobio- graphy."
" Oh, there's not much to tell," said the lady ; " only my new friend Mrs. Slinkin wanted an assistant to teach French, Italian, music, geo- graphy, and astronomy, and a few other little matters, and so I engaged myself — her great objection was to my name — which, she said, gave a notion that 1 was — ha ! ha ! — the idea — ad- dicted to the use of spirits — but, as I said, what's
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in a name ? — there's Mr. Young, very old — Mrs. White, very brown — Mr. Short, very tall — and Mrs. Little, very big, — and why should not Mrs. Brandyball be as sober as a judge * ? "
" Why not, indeed !" said Wells, once more filling up her glass ; " and so, I conclude, you satisfied your friend ?"
" Quite entirely," said Mrs. Brandyball : " so I took the situation, and we got on very comfortably : indeed, the best part of the story is, I didn't know any of the things I went to teach, — that is to say, I knew a little of them ; but what I said was this, I shall learn them all in time, by teaching the girls, — and so I did — and so then Mrs. Slinkin made friends with a Bath doctor, — and he used to recommend Mont- pelier House as the healthiest place in the neigh- bourhood,— and so people sent their children to us, — and then we sent out one or two to India, — and so made a connexion that way, — and at last Mrs. Slinkin married the doctor, and
* At the period of which Mr. Gilhert Gurney's papers treat, James Smith's admirable song upon the subject of similar ano- malies had not appeared.
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I stepped into the business ; and now, I'll ven- ture to say, there is'nt a better conducted school in all England, Ireland, and Scotland, or Ber- wick-upon-Tweed."
Whereupon, to my infinite amazement, I be- held my brother Cuthbert elevate himself to an angle of forty-five, and say, in the sweetest ima- ginable tone,
" To that I think I can myself bear testi- mony. Ha !"
This announcement evidently startled Wells as much as it had surprised me. However, it encouraged the lady to a fuller confession, which, to me and the Rector, was extremely amusing.
" Now," said she, " you see me as I am ; and I have told you all my history, but I should never have opened my lips as I have done this evening if the girls had been here."
I knew by the expression of Wells's counte- nance that he was dying to ask her whether, when she talked of opening her lips in the manner she had done this evening, she meant for the purposes of oratory or imbibition.
" Everybody is obliged," said she, " to play
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a part in this world, that's what I mean to say ; — what's a judge off the bench, wig and gown aside? — just like other men, to be sure; but while he is in his court, he must act judge, and nothing else, — the same with me : — why, if I was to be natural, as folks call it, and say my say as I like to say it, I should be thought no more of than one of my own housemaids, — re- collect the story of the King and the School- master ? — to be sure you do. Well, I make the girls believe their governess the very pink of perfection, — never hear me talk what I call plain kitchen English, no, no."
" Well," said I, " for my part, I prefer the simplest language that can be used ; and I am sure you will forgive me for saying that I have never enjoyed any evening since your arrival here so much as this."
" That's it," said the joyous matron, " I know that — now, at home, when the girls are gone to bed — early hours are healthy, not one of 'cm up at half-past eight — I see no harm in having in a neighbour or two and enjoying a quiet rubber of
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whist or a pool at loo — limited, you know. Well, as I say, there's no immorality in playing cards ; yet I should not like my girls to catch me at it. Then, after our cards, we have a bit of supper, seldom anything hot, for the girls could smell that ; and, as I always tell them that suppers are unwholesome, and never allow them a morsel at night, I should not like them to know that I eat supper myself. Well, and then, as I say, what's the harm of a glass of something warm after one's snack ?"
" Why," said I, " Kitty told us your principle upon that subject, and even referred to your practice."
" Ah !" said the the lady, " my Kitty is an exception to the general rule, — she is the favourite."
" Thank you, thank you, a thousand times, Mrs. Brandyball," said Cuthbcrt, nodding his head approvingly like a china mandarin, " I'm sure of that."
" I call her one of my pattern-girls, Sir," said the lady.
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" I trust," said Cuthbert, " my dear Mrs. B., you do not over-fatigue them ?"
" You know, my dear Sir," said the lady, " I do not. I'll tell you my course. Up at eight, — prayers, always read by Miss Julietta Tim- mins, whose grandmother was aunt to the curate of Cripplesdon, — fine voice, sweet delivery, and as slow as a slug, — breakfast at nine, — no non- sense about nerves, — never let them touch tea, — pure milk-and-water, — the cow and the pump, — out for an hour, — relaxation in the shrubbery, — at ten in school, — everything parcelled out, — method is the only mode of managing the mind, — seven minutes and a half for geography, — ditto for knotting hearthrugs, — a quarter of an hour for French, — ten minutes for astronomy, — ditto for the use of the globes, — a quarter of an hour for Italian, — and twenty minutes for mathe- matics. Then to learn lessons, — dinner at two."
" Very pretty proceedings," said Cuthbert. " A little of everything, and not too much of anything."
186 GURNEY MARRIED.
" Exactly so," said Mrs. Brandyball. " Then, till half-past three, the play-ground, — in again, — fifteen minutes for music, — six minutes for algebra, — nine minutes for drawing, — a quarter of an hour for English history, — six minutes for hydraulics, under the inspection of Doctor O., and nine minutes and a half for ethics and moral philosophy, — guitar twenty minutes (for those who learn it), — Newton's Principia and danc- ing an hour and a half, — the play-ground again."
" But," said Wells, " do you never parade them ?"
"